Sunday, 8 December 2013

'Closure' What about it?

Hello Boo,

I trust we are all well and shining bright like  a diamond. I pray God's  protection will continually be upon us and our family

This topic is actually an interesting one. Ok, I read a post on Bella Niaja lol o, see my life anyway please click here.The post is not about the BN topic itself per say, its more of ideas on how people view relationships, break ups etc.
I know and I respect we all have varied opinions, advice and solutions to dealing with break ups and situations. I know some of us offer what is best for us but I tend to choose solutions that has the potential to solve a situation in some way  and provide healing of some sort.

I am not sure if you are familiar with the term 'closure' I think some of us might be. It generally means an act of closing something according to Google web. My interpretation, it means the purpose of finding answers that will provide an insight or possible solution to a problem. In the context of a  break -up of any kind, some people desire closure to help them with unanswered answers or putting  puzzles together to provide clarity or help them move on etc. But I often wonder if truly some of us need this so called "closure" as some people might suggest. I can't help but think that  "closure" will do nothing but even create more puzzles than before depending on the situation, frame of mind and individual.
If an individual is seeking closure it means the relationship was never real from the start because if it was real then it is only imperative, normal, noble and just for both parties or the other  to explain why the relationship is coming to an end. Remember a relationship might be real to you but not to the other person or better still be real to both parties but convicted in one more than the other or attached to one more than the other. For example, I could be dating a dude but have my guards up and he could however think am all for it which I am but totally one leg in and one leg out. You get my drift.

I think generally it is human nature to be in the know, seek answers, justify reasons and understand why this happened and why it is not happening etc. The harsh truth  is some of us will never be in the  know and the not knowing can actually be a good thing depending on the severity of the situation and how you manipulate the situation.
I think asking for a closure in dealing with a break up when the other person has clearly moved on or show the signs that they want to move on is simply a bad idea. When some people decide to move on, they totally block out the past and intimate details and completely switch off (unfortunately that is the harsh truth). Now, asking such person to provide closure would mean they should go back to the past and dig out what they have buried which quite frankly some people will not do as they don't see the point or want to go through the emotions.
On the other hand, the closure one is seeking might be an opportunity to start another episode of unnecessary arguments and disagreements that does nothing but show more holes and more tragedy especially when you find out the true intentions of the person was unfair and conniving? It might just make it even worse in my opinion.

How about,  if the other party has nothing to disclose I mean nothing significant to bring to the closure. For example the post on Bella Niaja which is about a lady who fell for a man with a shady attitude. The "shady" dude had a motive and whatever it was he exhibited some of it, it is now up to the woman to decide whether or not she will use it as a cue or simply live in cuckoo land and disregard major evidence. In the case of a closure as suggested by a commentator what should the "shady" guy say? What will be his reason or reasons? To top it off he is now married. Will the closure actually help her or make a difference?

Besides, I believe if  a break up occurs in a loveless, selfish and crap relationship then closure is pointless. Amazing opportunity to simply thank God that your life will take better form.  In a loving, sweet and genuine relationships (though I wonder why they should be break-ups), then  I guess a closure would make more sense but wait was it ever truly genuine from both parties or did it just appear that way? Also the questions need to be asked?  Why the closure and what will it do? The truth is, people that hold back info/cover things up in the relationship will never ever ever be open in a closure. Say what? he/she was never 100% authentic in the relationship so now that it has ended, you are concerning yourself with closure?.  Maybe they will be real to themselves but it takes maturity, a level of self journey, insight and a  level of confidence to be real to yourself and to others.
In any case, whatever we chose to do should be traced back to our motive, because the purpose of knowing your motives will help determine whether this a closure is  a better option or not.

I was in a relationship that I thought was great, loving etc etc until he dropped the bombshell and for a long time a part of me wanted to see him and ask him loads of questions as to why this happened or why it didn't happen etc. The questions and puzzles swam  around in my head but  the one question remained  will it change anything? Will it change the fact that you two are no longer together, will it change the fact that you were highly upset and it affected your grades etc, what will it change and what will it do for you per say? That when I realised that I didn't quite get it yet and that was why I needed to go on this journey. To understand that stuff happen and stuff will happen but you do what you do, you learn from it, forgive yourself and move on from that situation with a positive outlook and approach.
What is much better? a closure that does nothing but troubles you in comparison to simply accepting it was to be because no mattter how you try with closure it is still a learning process, you are to learn from it and become stronger.
Maybe in the case of a cheating spouse, I get having a closure but am not sure if it is the other spouse that should ask for it or the person should simply confess and from there,  open and honest communication should take place.

My point is, if you  desire a closure be sure you have clear motives behind it and you understand them and think clearly whether or not it will actually make a difference?
I don't care about closures or encourage them. I encourage communication and clarity  if it permits  but  closure I don't know.
Depending on the situation i.e. if it was a long term relationship and circumstances of the relationship then maybe closure can be demanding but be aware it might even leave a more bitter taste in your mouth.

I am done now. lol.
As always your opinions, thoughts, ideas etc are most welcome.

Thank you for reading. Be blessed.

                               Dust yourself and try again. Aliyah x


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