Sunday, 26 February 2012

Marriage: As Motives

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome..

Hello People of the world...

I hope you are all well...

We thank God for his mercies and his testimonies, I pray we will rejoice in the good, bad and ugly because joy comes in the morning and life is journey so we get to pick and chose our outlook on it.

I want to do a quick post on this topic.

This topic mainly addresses the ideologies and selfish motives and intentions as to why people want to get married or be married etc.

I think some of us see marriage as a point of social elevation or promotional status in society that once you have reached a certain age then surely marriage should be next on the agenda. Based on that, we  subconciously rule out the purpose marriage stands for and the consistent work that has to be invested in it which takes your mental, emotional, financial physical and spiritual life etc. Some of us wrap ourselves up in the mentality that am old hence I have to be married, time is running out, hence anything will do, chai my mates are all hooked up and I am the  only one living the single life, I need to start breeding my eggs are running dry, my siblings all have children and am an aunty to loads of them already, mehn I have grey hair, etc etc. The lists are endless.

In fact, marriage in today's world in  my opinion is a business, a contract, a meaningless showcase where both couples in it have no real intention of working together in partnership but just doing it for reasons that are selfish and personal to them.

For some of us, marriage as we do not realise is born out of motives/intentions and these are the logical thoughts process that occurs behind every action we carry out whether good or evil. When God said to Samuel in the book of 1st Samuel ch 16 vs 7 " for the LORD does not look at the things people look at, people look at the outward appearance but the Lord look at the heart". In essence, we see what we see with our physical eyes but the LORD sees the heart and the intentions of man. For this reason I believe the motives/intentions of both of individuals will ultimately direct the vision/purpose behind the marriage and its accomplishment.

I will proceed to discuss five topics relating to marriage as motives:

1)

Anticipation


Some of us, we  are in such a hurry to this marriage business we fail to anticipate, pray,  act and work on ourselves, we are too busy thinking and cooking up stupid and selfish reasons as to why we need to be married that we fail to understand marriage is deeper than what meets the eye. It is not a one stop road to indulge all our selfish fantasies even though we have them i.e. 100% guaranteed sex life no more one night stand etc. We fail to anticipate nothing is guaranteed apart from the grace of God, anything and absolute anything can affect the sexual part of marriage. So then what happens, if he/she had an accident and cant perform or better still performs but you are never satisfied or you are satisfied and the other is not etc etc. This is time both couple should be thinking of solutions and not aggravations but seeing that the marriage had selfish motives at the time, thinking about solutions is out the window fast fast or maybe it was even thought about but it didn't work asap but selfish reasons reduces the lack of patience on both parts.

Besides, you tested the waters and knew both were compatible in bed but failed to realise other things or discuss other things i.e. his blood type or that particular sickness that runs in their family or maybe its that particular sickness that runs in your family but no family tree discussion cos anticipation ain't there. Better still, you failed to anticipate that the job ain't the right source or that he is doing dodging business or that the girl ain't telling the truth etc etc. Or maybe he will one day loose his job and you will be the bread winner of the family and he will be too busy being depressed to show support.The lists are endless. However, some of us will fail to take our time, to study each other and actually learn about each other i.e. communicate. In addition, we do not seek guidance or help from God or other positive sources but we ASSUME thinking we KNOW that our marriage will work why: because we LOVE each other. You will realise what LOVE is until you enter the marriage and start seeing double sided person.. that when you would wished you prayed more or at least paid more attention to little detail and prayed about it more.

2)

Fantasies

Mehn for some of us we live in a world of daydream (me lol) but some of us our own pass Disney Walt ohh in fact them no get idea wey our mind they for this one lol. We live in a realistic world where things happen in a predictable/unpredictable way. Thing change. situations affects us,  human beings change, our lifestyles and things that we do changes, but in our daydreams it is perfect and honkeydory no quams. Until the day realities of marriage and the sacrifices of marriages hits us like a ball in the face.
So you met prince charming, you met cinderalla all happily ever after and then in the marriage  he/she does not help out in the house chores. You say its nothing it will pass, but he/she does not help with anything around the house i.e. financially, spiritually and physically but you say it will pass too. Then gradually, it dawns on you the person you once dated not COURTED (cos I think courtship is deeper) but  because quite frankly you were too busy going on dinners, sleep overs that you were taken off guard that you did most of the work but it didnt occur to you then or it did and you failed to acknowledged it, marriage was on your case, willing to reduce standards or compromise meaninglessly. Now, you are married and find out the person is lazy in fact good for nothing, might as well be single because you are not only realising your are feeling single every day, you realise you are been used as a slave, hooker and houshelp and you are in this marriage all by yourself.

The time that should be spent building standards, studying and working on flaws was wasted on building and maintaining unrealistic fantasies and secretly hoping and giving meaningless excuses.

3)

Pressure

For some of us we are perfectionist in fact we want everything to work according to our plans and if it does not we get mad, we fail to leave room for possibilities that mistakes are lessons, failures are learning process to success etc. Everything just needs to be done at our time, pace and world, we forget Ecclesiastics ch 3 that says " there is time for everything, and a season for an activity under the heaven". Everything has its time and place that is why when you feel time is too long we  should focus on ourselves and work to improve and impact positively instead we put ourselves under immense, unhealthy, necessary  pressure that time is not on our side and look to society for comparison and justification.

 Clearly, society feeds us with unnecessary pressure because we allow it and are open to it and then we say my mum wants me to get married or my parents are already pressuring me etc etc. There is a thin line between concern and obsession and when people genuinely ask us because their concern we think they mean we should marry now and then and we take it for literal meaning. Why: because our mindset is already under pressure from when we started realising that age is not only a number but its tells on the skin and the body and we fail to understand that marriage tells even more(although some married couples can conceal it through surgery but mehn their soul is sooo weak,we have no clue). This is because we have not experience marriage surely the couples are glowing and having fun hence, it must be beautiful we do not know their stories or their marriage but we look from the outside and pass judgement.As result,when the next person comes an expresses their evil intention  for marriage which we clearly cannot see or we see but fail to acknowledge we are too busy praising God and shouting hallelujah that we have met the ONE clearly the ONE is thinking have hit the jackpot, all I have to do is keep pretending. The pressure as overclouded our judgement that we have not taken a tiny step back to analyse and consult for advice. We lay our beds and we lie on it and we say nobody tells us what marriage is about.....well, well ..life is a learning process so no pressure.....


4)

Intimidation

The society we live in, is full of oppressors as in people that will rub it in your face like no other and make you feel it like no other and next you know you are craving it not only because you think its nice to be married but because you cant wait to shove it in their face and rub their face in it. But, we sometimes do not take a step back and look at the oppressors and wonder whether or not its real or fake or perhaps its so bad their purposely shining it in our faces to make themselves feel better.   You hear phrases  and you are already intimidated and blood pressure is on the rise and you thinking why me oh Lord why me self pity syndrome is not even helping matter "Since I have been married I have never felt more loved or completed in my life, marriage is amazing there is nothing like it, "my  hubby is the best" "my wife is awesome" "our marriage is just great" etc etc. Nothing is wrong with these phrases except that it makes you feel less worthy and makes you yearn it more because as far as you are concerned marriage is what making these individuals happy not the amount of constant work they both have to equally invest in if not, there is a scale going down somewhere. Some married people do not make it easier by making it seem its perfect and that there is no hardwork involved and come to think it of is it their responsibility to make it easier or make it less imperfect?( I dont know). What I do know is if two imperfect people get together surely their will be frictions and all sorts, it must take a level of understanding and maturity to agree, disagree, compromise and eventually dwell on the positives rather than the negatives. But we are too busy feeling intimidated by oppressors we take no notice of the little details that they  chose to leave  out i.e. why they constantly  call you for every single thing when they have their partner??? Sigh, you just want to be married so that all the  oppression is over jor right?

5)

Wedding Fever

Finally, you have had enough and it all caught up with you now   the age, oppression, time, etc its all around  you. You can no longer wait on God, you can no longer stay patient, you can no longer remain under service but want to be finished and want the finished product. The weddings are now getting to you.. ahaha you have attended  20-30 weddings in the past five years and you can no longer wait for your day. As in serioulsly, people that you are older than are married with children and more on the way etc. It ridculous, you are wating for this husband of yours and you are running out of patience with God because why: you have done everything under his name and obeyed him and yet he is blessing people with partners that did not even bother serving him or doing his will. Nawahooo, this kind God sef, abeg will take matters into my hand and listen to a friends advice call that brother jore and see how it goes. Now, its wedding fever that is getting to you ohh not because you are willing to share your energy and effort with someone esle. God is teaching you patience and generority because he knows in your marriage you will need a massive dose of it as there are unforseen circumstances that will challenge the marriage. But, you cant see that because you clearly think God is punishing you or has punished  you or the works of your hands are having karmar effect or could be God has forgotten you and gave up. You mistake preparation for punshment and allow wedding fever to take hold of your heart because really it was never  being about serving God selflessly, it was always what you will gain that mattered. Better still. your parntner is work in progress and based on esitmate its only few years to go and God needs you to pray for your partner progress to aid his perfect work. Instead, wedding fever takes over and you mistake a bronze for a gold and a conterfiet for the real deal. You realised down the line, you did not marry for love  let alone marry for God but married  for wedding fever to show off and feel among becuase after all the weddings you have attended you have mistaken it for marriage. Wedding is a ceremony and celebration of a union between a man and his wife but you thought it was marriage where two as supposed to become ONE i.e. work in parnerships... Now that the wedding is over, the celebration has now ended, both of you are not ONE and still struggling to agree whether  or not you should sleep in the spare room or in the sofa cos your partner does not allow sexual intercourse not because he is shy but because there are deeper problems, obviously you did not know that now... you are pracitsed abstinence from sex he was supposedly a Christian...??  What about the time when finances should have been discussed and it was overlooked due to mental pressure i.e. wedding fever. Afterwards in the marriage, you find out that all the money contributed towards the wedding was borrowed and actually he/she has massive debts..  wedding  fever hehe..


Conclusion:

There are many reasons beyond my comprehension why people tie the knot and get married but I think the intentions and motives really counts because it what makes a massive difference in the end.

I cannot mention it all, but I know we are all moved by what we see but we should not because we do not know what is behind the intention of anyone. It is important we remove our emotions from the situations and apply wisdom and prayer. Marriage ain't an easy road(each has it ups and down, although some might be steady it will not take the fact that its has it struggles whether good, bad or ugly), but for any decisions made, it needs to be accountable and justifiable. I think too many things are going on in the world that are happening too fast as a result our judgments are clouded.Having said that, it's understandable that pressure will get to us but just as we pray for the hubby/wifey to come, we should also pray for the grace to wait and stay happy, content, fulfilled and blessed whilst waiting.


God will continue to help us (I know I certainly need his grace, being single, waiting on God and doing things right is not the hard part, the hard part is when you fall for someone and you know your freedom, your life, your dreams, your space, body, soul and mind is shared with another and whatever happens you are accountable and responsible not only for yourself but your significant other). This is time to pray for the grace, patience and mercy that will help you on the road you going to take with that special person someday if not sooner.....

More to say but am tired and sleepy..

God is love, love yourself and on others too.

I pray God will never stop teaching and empowering me and many of us to reach our full potential and even exceed it (everything in life will stand a test of time, its important we know that each stage is one for growth, learning and developing).

Song for the week..


Saturday, 18 February 2012

Marriage: As a Service

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome..

Hello Ladies and Gents(thought I try a new opening line).

I hope all is awesome.

Thank YOU to my followers old and new(hugs and loves and muwaahhhhh)...

 Its me again ohh.. on this marriage yarn ohh.llol. so this particular post  involves marriage as a service. Seeing that all that pertains to humanity deals with service one way or the other, there is no doubt marriage involves that aspect too.  In a place of service or providing any form of service there are dynamic qualities I believe are needed to accomplish the goals and tasks set. These dynamic qualities ranges from different dimensions and its one that most people will find out along the way so each one will require different abilities to accomplish any tasks.  Essentially,  Marriage I believe offers a place of service  where couples are working in a partnership (i certainly know this is how I see my marriage), both work towards a particular purpose and offering each other as a service to themselves and to others.

I have heard people women/men discuss how marriage has changed them and they are more patient, polite, serviceable and tolerant etc.

This post will focus on five different aspect of services that would or is required to be rendered in  a marriage(please do not hesitate to contribute your ideas xx).


1)

LOVE: lurveeeeeeeeeee luve luve luv...lol.. ok am kidding. yeah so on a serious note, Love is a serious topic ohh.Well, in my head it is. Love where do you start from really, because for me Love is a foundation to all and will always be. Now love is not a feeling and certainly not a void.  LOVE !!! and the best description I can find is written in the book of  1st Corinthians chapter 13 vs 1-13. I will use verse 7 it says "Love bears all things, believes all things and hopes all things" and vs 8 "Love never fails" and more etc (pls do read it to get the whole picture or better still google it...Yay). Personally, I know that love is needed from the get go and the actions concerning love is needed to show otherwise. In a marriage, LOVE should be  a center where it bears all things and literally bears all the positive/negatives/perfections and imperfections/the annoying and the not so annoying etc etc. Love believes i.e. we can conquer and overcome and know that this journey is made out to be easy if we chose too and surely I will stick by you through the thick and thin and good and the bad and the ugly etc. Love hopes all, Yep, the situation we are facing is not the end of our chapter we will write a new chapter from this  and that is our testimony etc. Love never fails, friends will fail, jobs will fail, health may fail, riches may fail, life itself may fail but LOVE never fails that means when we make mistakes we don't quit and say its OVER in fact more reasons to say its only begun because of out of the failures, we will have ten reasons not to try that method  and we will have ten alternatives to try different  method  that works better.

I believe LOVE  is needed in our everyday lives  and marriage is no exception. In a place of service, LOVE is needed to do things without expecting or feeding expectations it is done with open heart and good intentions. Seeing that marriage is  a  place of service LOVE is needed to firm the foundation and reaffirm the foundation and to carry out certain duties and fulfill purpose.  Personally, I believe Love is  a decision hence people make sacrifices that shocks you  and you are in awe. I am not talking about evil sacrifices though(because love does no wrong hence doing wrong to hurt/cause pain to another in the name of LOVE, I question your mindset/ideologies ohh). I am talking about the ones like doing things to better other people and doing things that are of benefit and significant  help for others you can use the example of JESUS and his love for humanity i.e. salvation).

Love is the very decision that I believe will contribute too many qaulties that will get us through the journey of life and especially in marraige. I know myself and hubby will share the romantic love (which is basically attraction that is deeper than emotions but it is between two genuine people). But we will need to demonstrate God's  LOVE which Paul described in the book of Corinthians and this love aint easy, aint fair aint rosy but it has to be done. We need LOVE in order to give without expecting back, we need   love knowing that things might not work the we want and we need  love knowing that making a difference in a positive way is very important.


2)

Humility: This is one aspect that if one does not posses already(you will one day). They say "charity begins at home" well some of us we might have to find this out from outside  before we start praciticing what we preach (its not so bad,  life is a learning curve at the end of the day, but its good to know and practice the right things). It is important  to know that "pride" resides in the heart of every human and it takes grace and understanding to humble oneself. To be of a service at any place humility is significant mainly because there are things and I mean probably horrible situations one has to deal with but its humility that shows the difference between dealing with a situation in a positive way or just making things worse. For some of us, to recognise our wrongs or the fact that we have hurt others is a not an easy thing but it has to be done. Seeing that marriage is a place of service, it will teach you to be humble, infact if you think you are humble (i am referring to me btw), well marriage will show how humble you are and how humble you can be. Humility surely cant come easy but I believe is needed in  a marriage that wants to be of a service, there has to be mutual respect and understanding going on and there has to be acceptance and responsibility. Marriage I believe will require me to stoop to some levels on a normal day I will not stoop to.

A quick scenario (Mother Inlaw came to visit for few days, enters the Kitchen and she  decides today she will cook for her son(my hubby, but my guess is, am not feeding him well enough lol).
 Me: Mummy (i like to think I will call her mummy not mama..lol) do you need help with anything in the kitchen Ma.
Mother In Law: No my dear, (hopefully she will call me dear and be nice to me lol), I just want to cook something fresh and nice for my son.
Me: Mummy you don't have to stress yourself, I have prepared some nice fresh and tasty meal for our son now).
MIL: Really you have, you are a nice daughter ohh.. but this one I think is nice too ohh infact this particular food is his favourite, he loved it as a child and chai he has missed it ohh.
Me: Really, are you serious Ma? well,  I must have missed it when he mentioned this  particular meal was his favourite but am certain he mentioned something else.
MIL: Dont mind him, he is joking he knows in his heart this particular meal is his favourite oh.
Me: Ok Mum, I will clear the table and tell him we are making his favourite dish and afterwards I will come and help you and learn this special meal.
MIL: Thank you dear, I will wait for you to come before I start.
Me: Now that I have learnt this recipe Ma, it means I will have to cook this ohh and next you visit you will relax and enjoy the meal abi?
MIL: Yes dear, infact I will give all the recipes I have ohh.
Me: I'm  happy to come and collect them oh... Thank you Ma, for your support and love God bless you abundantly(hugs her).  (In my head, thank you for the sly intrusion, but its cool am willing to share as long as you are not possessive lool, only kidding).

The End lol...

Now, I am not saying that this role play works like that in real life or that I will just succumb like that (probably will sha lol). Fact is, I know that  this is not my hubby favourite meal and I know that he has particularly requested for the dish I already made. But if his mum insist to make him food then I would be humble to understand that
a)She misses him and misses making food for him and the joy of having to make that food and know its goes down.
b)She feels she can cook a better meal than I am (ofcourse she sees me as a competition now).
c)She wants to use this opportunity has a bonding time between herself and her son.
d)Finally, she probably feels other wise(it could go either way).

Only God knows why she made that decision, but for me instead of being angry, sad or getting paranoid, I will humble myself and understand this is only temporary and I will give her the chance to express herself and her love (If she becomes possessive or uses this the opportunity to her disadvantage, its cool no wahahlala... but by  the time I pray her out, she  will know how far..lol.obviously myself and hubby will discuss issues like these now..).

My point is, situations in marriage will make you humble and marriage as a service  requires humility, there will be instances where humility requires you to  own up  to wrong doings/decision, to back off, to accept, to be patient, to be quiet and in fact use wisdom in some situations where you would have walked away no long ting jor lol. In essence, I know that,  massive dose of humility is required from myself and hubby to ensure our marriage serves a purpose and particularly serves the purpose it should fulfill. Like I said, there are many dimensions humility will be needed but its important in a marriage of service.

Note: Before I say Yes I do, am collecting all her recipes ohh during courtship that is and No, her cooking will only be allowed when necessary lol if not I will  just freeze all her dishes and dash to somebody else oh lol.


3)

Charity:  now am not only referring to money, but time, energy, advice, ideas, encouragement, prayer etc. Charity for me is the essence of using ones quality in a better way to impact positively, it not only with money. Seeing that my marriage will be of service not only to myself and husband but to the outside world. I know charity will be important in our home, I believe in the act of giving and knowing the difference it makes when we give something positive. I would like to encourage myself and hubby to practice charity in our family that means giving to each other, family members, relatives, community at large. In marriage, I know there will be times where  we are compelled to do something or to reach out to someone one way or the way and if volunteering is one of those aspects I will definitly encourage it. I am compassionate (well I like to think I am lol) and I know hubby will be too,hence,  I know both of us will  be drawn to sow, help and support and that will automatically be of a  second nature in our home which we will do without any attachment or expectations. But, I will definitely encourage wisdom and wise decisions in all that we do or hope to do. Charity is a big deal for me because its a service that is rendered without anything expected in return, it is done in love and it is  just what it is....


4)

Grace: Well I will keep it simple and sweet. I can honestly tell you when I see myself doing good to people that have hurt me it has to be GRACE. When I see the amazing things God has done in my life and my family and others and in the world. ITS GRACE. In a place of service, grace is needed to carry out the tasks without being wary or complaining. Grace for me is a divine strength that God will empower us with when we ask.  I can't perform the services concerning marriage if I have no grace. I will tell you now,  its easy to walk away, and  not to bother, its so easy to be by yourself and do you and it easy to stay unhappy in a marriage and make no changes to improve or simply manage.  But grace will give us both that strength that we have no clue about but desires us to want to stay,  not stay out of duty or obligation or but out of sincerity, kindness and Love. I know that we will need the GRACE OF GOD our  my marriage and in the place of service. Knowing fully well our marriage is not only ours to enjoy  but as an experience to share with others and a foundation for our  generations and an opportunity to demonstrate God's kindness/visions. I believe we will need the Grace to do things and accomplish them with open heart and smile. Grace is needed to carry the marriage with dignity, respect and Love. I know that our marriage will serve a bigger purpose and for that reasons and more GRACE in its abundance  is needed.


5)

Prayer:  There are many verses  in the bible that talks about prayer (will not delve too deep in that). I see prayer as a way of talking to God and discussing my inner most fears and insecurities, doubts etc. It is also an opportunity to be grateful and recount (though one has to have a grateful heart everyday). Me, I pray alot ohh(like my friend once said God knows my face and voice like I literally bang it out in his ears lool). I actually don't think I pray alot i mean some people pray for hours etc, but I talk alot when praying as in (God grabs a chair and a cuppa cos he knows am gonna go on and on and on and eventhough the bible says let your words be few as God knows the desires of your heart lol). On a serious, prayer life is very significant to me and having seen the power of prayer, I dare not commit my life and activities to God. Hubby  and myself have no choice but to practice a life of prayer in order to embark on the this journey, because I know for a fact all my issues concerning him will be to reported to God (lol). I know that we need to communicate with him to cover certain areas that we cannot see or comprehend and hence prayer is important. In addition, we are not only praying for us and future, prayer should involve other people too and  the world around us. Our prayer life should be of a service in our marriage where we focus on different areas of life. I would personally (me speaking) like us to actually ask around and take personal prayer points and pray for other people and take it seriously like we would when praying for ourselves. In addition, we need to do this and to do more. so mehn alot of tongue wagging lool. am joking. Is essential and it has to be used in serving others and staying on track.

In summary, there are alot more I would like to say on each topic but this is all I have now and been revealed to me and so ermmmm maybe next time(but then again, people might be tired of reading oh lol). On a serious note, marriage should not only be a service to both parties but to others as well. People have to benefit from the beautiful qualities that both couple share and can impact in a positive way. Most times, the service might not be done together physically but it is agreed spiritually and both understand  and aware of that.


Above all, I pray that I carry on learning and keep learning and implement all that I have learnt. Obviously, I am growing and open to ideas so this is not the end.


God is love, love on yourself and others too.


My song for the week...(happy smiles)

so blessed... Yehe




Monday, 13 February 2012

Marriage: Journey of Discovery

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome.


Hello People,


I hope all is well.


Tribute to Ms Whitney Houston who passed away approximately two days or less  before this post.(I pray her Guardian Angels take her to her perfect rest and I pray  her family will have the strength and courage to grieve and heal).


Ok, something is bugging me(i am not one to talk about trivial issues sometimes) but I know people read my blog I just wonder why anyone chose not to leave comments or at least chose to follow me(i am not paranoid). Please when you read,  share your thoughts if any, only be positive and pls do click to follow me(publicly)...
THANK YOU.LOL.


I will hopefully do a mini post today. This post is mainly about discovery and five key things I would like to discuss. Seeing that this month is dedicated to sharing my views on marriage (and learning), I will simply carry on from the foundation. I consider life a journey, fact is: life in itself is also a discovery journey, I figured everything in life helps us to discover ourselves, inner ambitions and personal growth and Marriage is no exception.


Discovery journey which I have summarised into Five categories are as follows:


1) Compromise:


Now this is a very interesting topic and one that I think as humans we cannot live without.. We all in our own ways somehow have to compromise either it was forced upon us or other wise.  I believe marriages involves quite a number  of compromises if not alot more  and I know it will be happening in mine. I would like to think the type of compromises that will happen will be  accountable and justified in a godly way (but this sometimes is not the case). So, yes compromising will happen that will either take me out of my comfort zone and put in a different situation(which can be bad/good but its ok, cos life is all about discovering right?). I guess it another opportunity to learn more about one's self and strength. Having said that, I am a reasonable/sensible person and compromising in my marriage or anything else  has to be inline with God's purpose mainly because accountability/responsibility is essential in my life. On the day of judgement, I really do not want to be looking lost but comfortable....lol. But really I  do not want to regret or start living with major guilt due to senseless and stupid decision making that could have easily been  avoided (if wisdom and help was applied beforehand, although lessons will be learnt, it can be very costly that I would like to avoid and I believe compromising should not involve such but then again it could to learn and teach others).


2) Differences:


This is also a very interesting topic, in all of us we can be similar but still we  all  have our differences i.e. our ideologies/views/opinion governed by experiences/environment etc. I know without a doubt there will be differences in our marriage mainly because we are two different individuals with different upbringing that has shaped our world and way of thinking. Differences can sometimes make things better or make things worse depending. This is why I strongly believe understanding and discussing i.e. open communication with transparency/honesty  should pave way that means,  because we both actually understand that we are different, our expectations about things needs to be altered (or in the process). In essence, when I expect things to be done in  a particular way and its not ( i have choice to react or respond). Reacting means doing/saying the exact things that comes to your mind/head. Responding:  stepping away from the situation/ emotions and looking at it from a different angle(it is easier to react than to respond but responding provides better solutions most times). When I learn to respond I am more likely to be reslient and tolerant and able to communicate  my hurt better and convey my emotions in a sensible manner. Also at this point I am believing   hubby and I will be open with our thoughts and discuss our  understanding expectations/differences
/preferences etc we both will have and as a result of communication we can both have a common ground/agreement and clearer views(just to let you know, am willing to drag it out of him lol.. as you can tell am big on talking/questioning lol, more like interrogating. I  like to think good communication is an important foundation from both sides, it should be equal).


3)  Romantic Gestures:


The interesting thing about this topic is that the ideologies surrounding romance is different for every individual. In my case, it is the little things and the thoughtful things I tend to consider romantic I am more than superficial i.e. buying flowers or chocolate etc(although, its sweet I will probably appreciate it more if its a little creative and unique). In addition, romance is both ways, I do not in any shape or form expect Hubby to be the one doing everything and coming up with the ideas(I have alot on my sleeve lol, I am a creative person as you might know my mind does wonder alot so thoughts and ideas easily pop in my head lol.). For me, things like helping out, doing chores, using personal initiative to carry out tasks I consider that as romantic gestures. For instance, if I am cooking (which I love doing, no quams), I would appreciate an helping hand and someone that actually ask how things are going and if I needed any help. (If I do, trust me I won't say NO, I will say YES). By God's grace I don't have to worry about that cos I know my (husband will have a good dose of initiative). Having being in a relationship where the guy had common sense and does things without being told has just reinforced my views on certain things.  In addition, I am big  on family support and family gathering (so checking up on my mum i.e. a phone call or ring is definitely so cool and me also doing that ohh). Besides, other little things like  prepping for work/occasions  I would not mind him polishing his shoes and asking if I wanted to polish mine too  or  if it is the case ironing/driving etc. Guys tend to iron well more than ladies (I think, lol), I would consider him ironing my clothes, cleaning the cars, emptying the bins, changing the lights, setting the table, washing up, getting the babies ready etc  romantic gesture as suppose to buying a dozens of roses that will wither away. Having said, I am totally up for doing these things too ohh... I cant have expectations and not expect to do my part (not sensible). Sometimes, I know I would have to exercise some of my expectations out of hubby mainly because some people have the potential in them to do things but they just do not think about it straightway(besides, we are different individuals and since marriage is about discovering he has to be open-minded to ideas viceversa). Although, some people do not have any idea or clue of what to do or what is required of them and some people t just have a CLUE and instantly do it(these people, i tend to roll with, CLUED up people).


4)  Identity


This is very important to us in our society, in our everyday lives we all have a form of identity that we all portray or people perceive us as. It is equally important for us as a couple to have our own identity, I understand with everything going on around us it is easy to get caught in the whole journey and business and forget you both had a lives or still do have life when we chose to say "I DO". For this reason, goals/objectives I think should we should set/encourage  that comes along with the visions we have  for our marriage. In essence, what do we both want to portray ourselves as and how can we maintain consistency and transparency. Having  an identity means a lot to me for someone that believes in enriching lives and growth/development  I definitely would  want to have an healthy identity that does not take me away from myself but adds more or contributes  to my mindset and sense of purpose sames goes for hubby. Everyone's idea of identity will be different some will  stand for justice, ambitious etc. It will range for different individuals(lol repetition).


5) Lessons


Knowing that life is full of lessons and each stage offers a different ground to express yourself and maturity including implementing the changes developed (and an opportunity to learn something new).  I believe marriage will present a lot of lessons too (in fact I think marriage is one of many lovely things I believe is present in this life and will impact one's life like never before). For me and by my KING's grace, I  have made a mental decision to chose to learn from all the lessons and be better(if anything maintain consistency of what I regard better and inline with God's purpose).


 I believe marriage itself will change me, my husband can influence me but marriage is most likely going to have a bigger effect (This is because when anyone says I do, you not just marrying that man/woman, you are marrying their problems/flaws/imperfections/pleasant/unpleasant situations, family members i.e. in laws, relatives etc. (Most especially in an African community Nigerian for that matter, forget your peace and husband lol (kidding) but be sure  of intrusion from family members/other people  whether negatives/positives).One is  basically marrying into the unknown really and one's marriage  comprises of various stages including situations with in laws, distant relatives, his/her destiny and many more. This will without a doubt change me not only influence  my thoughts/actions but change the way I think and see life. Now, I have the decision to ensure those changes whatever they are, are not ones that will destroy me or my future or the future of myself and hubby instead, it should BUILD US, ENCOURAGE US, ENRICH US AND ENLIGHTEN US etc. There will be stages where trials and tribulations just seems to be a common occurrence but its ok, (it happens,) my decision now is not to be a VICTIM but VICTORIOUS(it cant be easy to be victorious at anything but that is my decision because I have alot to teach my children and their generation and I owe to them to be honest and transparent but to be positive too. Mistakes will be made, situations will change, people will disappoint/you will also disappoint people/ betrayl can occur in other aspects of lives that will take a toll on the marriage. But since we  are both in a partnership in this together and I am his missing rib,  I would like us to agree from the beginning  that by his grace there is no going back, no going sides ways or confused.com but taking it on the chin and moving forward (again, not our  strength but his everlasting GRACE).


Finally,(I am young and still learning and discovering things about life and my views can be altered and influenced). But I know my values and principles on life are most likely to sway every now and then but it will mostly remain(His grace not mine).. At the end of the day,(thing happen, however God did say to Habakkuk to write his visions down and watch it come to pass, so doing this, feels  like I am  writing my visions down and praying I live to see these and much come to pass).


Thank you for visiting.


Please share your thoughts.


God is love, love on yourself and others too..

xxx

My Jam.......


Saturday, 4 February 2012

Marriage the VISION I see.

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome..


Hello People,


I hope everyone is blessed. 


Note: You will notice some writing fonts have changed in some of my posts(still experimenting).


OK, I made  an attempt to bake short-bread today twice, one got burnt(stupid recipe book, it said 45mins chia). I made another batch and it tasted like flat flapjack... Let us just say it didn't turn out well(I will keep trying(happy smiles). 


I will just go straight to the post and try not to make it too long(rolls eyes). This is a continuation from  the posts I wrote concerning marriage http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.com/). Basically, like I explained I am for and pro marriage and not just any type of marriage the ones that are  based on good intentions/respectable godly principles, non-self motives and pure understanding on both individuals. 


As a person, I have visions for aspects of my life and I tend to see them manifest most of the time. What I mean by vision is a realistic goal of where I know I can manifest the beautiful qualities that  I have and to learn more and most importantly glorify God (considering that he is the center of my life by his grace). So, therefor my visions consist of God, myself and the situation am involved in and how I can best play a good/positive part and demonstrate positive qualities(will probably do a post on this sometime).


 Individuals are dynamic in their ways  and what makes us what we are  lies in the various influences that has shaped and possibly still shaping our minds, thoughts and mentality.  Attitudes & Characters are mainly developed through various aspects of experiences, ideologies, upbringing, environment, life, education,family,  religion, beliefs, faith etc. Based on these things and more, there are different dynamics a  marriage  would uphold and each marriage will be different and will carry different  purpose  based on the individuals involved. You find that some marriages are similar and some are totally different again depends on the individuals and roots.


In my marriage, I one of the visions I see  is partnership this means both of us are working in sync and constantly making a non-selfish decision that is of both benefits to both parties involved. Now, me getting married means that I am fulfilling one of God's purposes/vision. I believe for me I would have to consider three major qualities to enable me to understand how I would fit into his life as a WIFE vice versa(subject to change as I am still learning, developing and growing).


a)He has to be purposeful, this means he HAS to have a PURPOSE, something measurable and tangible. In order to be able to know your purpose which we all have  got  (he would have to have known himself). Now,this purpose  does not have to be elaborated or overrated ohh. But just that he needs to be aware that he has a purpose and it will  make a difference(i prefer for him to admit that he has none yet or he is yet to figure it out than to lie ohh thank God for the spirit of discernment cos I will know as I have come to know myself/still knowing myself and discovering purpose).


b)He needs to see my potential in helping HIM to achieve his purpose(knowing that women  primarily role is to attend to our husband needs and be his helpmate, obviously this probably does not apply to the 21 century believes (me assuming). He Needs recognise that I can help him to make things happen through God's grace.


c)He needs to have HUNGER for learning, developing and growing. It is important that HE recognises his role as a man in the marriage. He NEEDS  to grow if he wants to successfully lead in his marriage i.e. the woman does not take over all the time. When we grow/develop  as individuals, I believe a shift in the mindset has to occur in order to see the manifestation of the GROWTH made. NO ACTIONS, THEN I WILL QUESTION. Besides, he needs the growth in order to positively impact the marriage, UNION, relationship and foundation. 


Due to the fact that marriage is  a partnership(well I want my marriage to be about partnership), there is a need for constant learning, improvement and awareness. I am pro learning and improving and developing hence my love for alot things that has impacted positively. I believe  a marriage should be the same there should growth, nurture, development and service.


I see a vision where we  both understand our roles clearly, we communicate both of our understanding, we both come to a decision on how we would create the marriage that will work for us and work with God  and at the same time what we would like our marriage to stand for i.e. principles, values, accountability and responsibility. This means  a shift in the mindset has to occur i.e. growth, learning, letting go of here say here say that are of no use to us, setting goals, helping each other to achieve all the goals, reviewing plans and dedicating it all to God. I  see us praying for constant  guidance and direction from my bestie the Holy Spirit.


 I also see friendship, someone that will communicate every aspects of their mind and thoughts to me first (aside from God). At the same time, understand the magnitude that friendship carries these includes TRUST, COMPANIONSHIP, HONESTY, SUPPORT, TOLERANCE,AWARENESS,CORRECTION, ADMONISHMENT, LAUGHTER, UNIQUENESS, HUMILITY, UNDERSTANDING and LOVE. 


Yeah, there are more things obviously that is needed but understanding the concept of friendship and its meaning for me is a massive STEP. This is because a good foundation is needed to breed other positive influences and experiences.


There is no perfect marriage people say, but for me perfection is flawed because to be perfect means NOT TO HAVE MADE MISTAKES OR WILL EVER MAKE MISTAKES and that is just not in existence. For that reason, I am expecting a lot of mistakes to be made, I am expecting alot of unnecessary trivial disagreements, annoying moments, stressful days, arrrgggghhh tearing my hair out days.... But, I DO NOT WANT IT TO STOP THERE, seeing that we are not perfect we have the opportunity to learn and make things better next time and so for that reason I WILL ENCOURAGE LOADS AND MASSIVE DOSE of COMMUNICATION and HONESTY and REWARDS. 


I see SUPPORT, ENCOURAGEMENT, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL, PEACE AND LOVE. This cannot be achieved by mere strength so HOLYSPIRIT is there for us guiding  and giving  each person the grace to exhibit these qualities and more.


I also see GOOD INTENTIONS and MOTIVES, I am big on motives and intentions this is because I feel like that is the root of every every every plan that is manifested to reality. If motives are selfish, wrong, idolised, lacks meaning, full of evil etc,  certainly this will affect the outcomes of alot of decisions made. For this reason, I see us  with good motives and non selfish motives i.e. my way my way (but the renewing/transforming of our minds)... At this same time, I pray for grace through the holy spirit to see the HIDDEN motives and intentions of a man. If I see this am able to guard myself. 


I will stop here and I think its important to know that marriage should have a vision, life in itself is a vision that God saw and created. For that reason we should aim to have visions for our lives no matter what we should be encouraged.


Please do share your thoughts/opinions.


Thanks for reading.


God is love, love yourself and on others too.


XXX

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Marriage: As a Vision 3

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome.

There are many dimensions to marriage and many aspects to understand. I will try to discuss some of the aspects I understand.

Based on my Understanding:

I think Dad left because a) He did not recognise Mum was his help mate, he might have felt she was good in many areas but he did not RECOGNISE or ACKNOWLEDGE it. This is because if he did, He would appreciate her more and see her worth and even go on to enjoy the more and more goodness he left behind.(he is paying for it NOW). Proverbs 22 vs 18 "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from the LORD".
b) He did not UNITE and CLEAVE with her if he did he would always try to make things work.
c)He did not become ONE FLESH with her if he did he would not have allowed any separation to occur.
Obviously there many other unseen factors but I felt the foundation was not RIGHT from the beginning (i.e. his intentions/motives for marrying Mum).

We really need to take our time when deciding who to spend the rest of our  lives with, marriage is a big deal and no matter how careful we are cos MUM was (to an extent, I have come to learn), we could still end up  being married to the wrong person even worse married to the right person but have the worse marriage (Yes, it happens one can marry the one, one is convicted of  and one can still have a CRAP marriage, how??, will discuss next time). God is our one and only leader and he can and still does help support the vision of MARRIAGE.

Please stay tuned for my upcoming posts.

Please you are welcome to share ideas, thought and will learn together. NO NEGATIVE/ PERSONAL ATTACK PLS,  this not a platform to breed any form of hateful comment.

God is love, love yourself and others.





Marriage: As a Vision 2

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome..

I  will have to take you a on a mini bible study:

Well not to worry, am not delving deep into the whole genesis. Genesis Ch2 vs 18: "Now the Lord said it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him an helper and suitable mate".  Vs 23 : "Adam said this is NOW the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh and she shall be called a Woman because she was taken out of a man".  Vs 24 "Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become UNITED and CLEAVE to his WIFE and they shall become ONE FLESH".

Now, I did not see in any of these passages the word marriage mentioned.But it says WIFE, that for me means to be a called a wife you have to married to the person(that is my understanding so far).  First of all, God recognised  there was a need or there is a need for a Man to be with a woman, I guess he knew it will be a very lonely world for him. Besides that, he needs to procreate right??. No, there is more, he needed an helper, he could not do it all alone and God saw that and provided him with a woman. Adam recognises this and I felt he was happy that other than himself there is someone else that he could go on adventure with(seeing that the Garden of Eden might have been huge beyond comprehension). Moving on,  he saw and he knew that she was different as in she is HUMAN. He proceeded to acknowledge her and recognise that she was part of him and was made from a rib in HIM. That is a big deal, I believe this is one of the best recipes for great a Marriage, he saw that the woman represented  him in some way shape or form and he acknowledged that. A man needs to understand he cant do it ALL by himself and he needs an help mate to help him fulfill even better purpose than the one he has in store.

 It went on to say for this reason i.e. Adam acknowledging  Eve, a man would have to leave his family, unite and cleave and become one. For me, that meant that all his training,  up bringing, character etc is all part of his journey in life to be with his WIFE. Leaving his family meant that a)he was ready b)has found THE help mate which he believes  in. c)it is time to implement his understanding and step up to that part of responsiblity, thus you are no longer depending  on mum or dad or anyone but God and your abilities that you have acquired(this why family is important and good parentship is essential, you are building your child to be great and possibly be an help mate to someone else in achieving a  greater).

In addtion, the bible went on to say UNITED  that is massive. That for me means there is no choice for the man but to work in  AGREEMENT with his WIFE to achieve  a common purpose. The man needs to recgonise leaving both  family to be joined with your wife, he  has to be UNITED, concerning whatever that is happening(although advice from parents are  good and sometimes crucial, be wary and apply WISDOM).

CLEAVE  means to hold on, the man has to hold on to his  wife and never let go. ONE flesh: to be one flesh in literal terms for me means one body, one mind and one soul. Everything in essence has to be shared and as in everything including your positive/negative thoughts has to be shared, responsibilites, work load, up and downs, joys and sadness, every single thing has to be shared. ONE FLESH is to be ONE although disagreements/conflicts will occur, it cool but its does not take the fact that both are ONE FLESH so sort it out.

Finally, I believe God had/has a  vision for marriage, surely he must have felt this would benefit both of them and must be good to be together and do things together and eventually not sepereate. As JESUS highlighted in  MARK 10 vs 9: Therefore, what God has joined together let no man seperate". For me this means, you have propsed in your heart to fulfill one of God visions which is to marry a wife/husband, you are following what God set out in the beginning  to achieve i.e. it is not good for  a man to be alone, he needs an helper. So, a woman recognise she is made has an  helper to her  potential husband  and help fulfill purposes(that na hardwork oh, but there is grace).
The man, recognises it isn't good for him to be alone and an helpmate is good. Hence, when you declare that you want to marry, you are fulilling the purpose of God which he had for marriage which meant what God has put together i.e. the idea God has concerning marriage,  which he had joined toegether from the begining, it says let no MAN seperate. It is the responsiblity of both couples to ensure NO MAN seperates them. YOU  have to guide, guard and protect your UNION, knowing fully well how you have left both your family to depend on each other by being UNITED and how have giving both yourself to eachother through CLEAVE and becoming ONE FLESH. Hence, one mind, one soul and one body, NO MAN should have the power to sepereate that. IF are your grounded in your mind, soul and body no one has the right to take your mind from you or soul or body. Therefore, it is both couples responsibility to  watch each other's back and ensure their mind is not take from them i.e. not polluted, i.e. soul emotions is shared within the marriage and felt, couples need to talk and communicate, body both  should have access to each other's body and it should not be shared with noone else.

Above, all if both are  ONE FLESH how can a mere man just come and seperate you, it is one party or the other that can allow this i.e. open the door for all sorts(although, the devil will always have plans, to steal, kill and destroy are his agenda).

Based on the these teachings I know it has compelled me not to just jump the wagon and marry anybody. The person in question i.e. the man has to understand marriage and see it the way I SEE it. If not whahala go dey ohh.


Most importantly, I want to involve God as our foundation seeing that he made me a lady to be an helper to a man i.e. HUSBAND. I intend on working on myself to be an helper in every aspects what you practice now with other people is what you are most likely to implement in your marriage. In addition, seeing that the Husband will need help, he has to recognise he cant do it all by himself and me helping we can both fulfill a  a greater and mighty purpose. Above all, we have to work, work to UNITE, CLEAVE and not open doors for SEPARATION.

Proverbs 22 vs 18 "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obstains favour from the LORD". God obviously knows woman are incredible creatures, we are good and offer goodness..lol.  By finding a wife, you are fulfilling one of many God's purpose and will obtain favour as a result.

Note: that your wife has to be a good thing and you need to see that good and when you see good things, what do you do with it? You cherish it and appreciate it and acknowledge it very well as in you do not mess about it with it. Hence, the favour will begin to come your way, ask men that treat their wives with the utmost respect and love they deserve and I am sure they experience bountiful favours... Obviously am referring to marriages where the woman actually is good to the man.

Continued... Sorry but such a long post...




Marriage: As a Vision

Thank you for visiting. Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome..

Hello World,

I hope everyone is faring well. Happy New Month.. wow its 02/02/2012.... Awesome...

Today's post is actually going to  be a very interesting one. I have decided to use this month as a theme month. This means the posts uploaded will relate to Marriage. I am so excited to this post and I have had plans on it and been saying will do it.... This post is one of many series of posts and its lays the foundation to many exciting posts in store. This is basically the introduction to many posts yet to come.

 Before I go deep, I will like to clarify some issues:

a)This post is about marriage and its connotations.
b)Is to share  the diverse aspects of my ideas and understanding of what I know about marriage so far.
c)I am passionate about Marriage and its ideologies and I would like to take you on that journey.
d)Pls beware its a learning process as well it might be for you or not, so any criticism/suggestions should be strictly POSITIVE.
e)I am not in any shape, way or form claiming that I know better or my ideas posted in the blog is better but for me this is what has been revealed to me and I have come to understand and will implement....
g)
h)I am not married but I will be ONE DAY. I can happily say am working on myself, image, intellect, character, ideologies, inner self etc.

i)LETS GO!!!!!

Basically, I will start from my own personal experience and how far I have come and learnt. Please understand that  all my opinions/facts about marriage is mainly gained from my relationship with God (YES, God). Having said that, things I have read, learnt or heard things has also influenced my understanding.

I will briefly tell about my own encounter of marriage through my parents. My parents marriage did not work it meant that it was not successful. My Dad pretty much left when I was really young maybe 2 years old or less, but he popped in and out of our lives every now and then and Mum brought us up by herself with God's help. I am able  count about 10-15 times when I have seen my Dad and Mum together in the space of my 23 years on earth. Yes, they were married and had a traditional wedding(awwww).

I remember when I was much younger Dad only took us out once as a family to a visit a family friend. This is quite an interesting story. Dad younger sister who at the time was our nanny took myself and sis to the hairdressers/saloon My sister grew her hair at the time so she plaited it often whilst I was on a low cut afro(i don't know why though).  I remember telling my maid I was very hungry and I wanted to eat but she was not giving  me attention. I was about 4ish during this time, I remember being upset and getting up, leaving the saloon and walking Home...(can you imagine that boldness). Like I walked 20mins to my Home(that has never happened before). I sneaked out and I managed to remember the routes and walked and kept walking and when it was time to cross(a nice man that was like a road patrol or something picked me up and helped me cross, I doubt if we still have people like that in Niaj ohh). I got home, and saw Dad (always had an afro and still does). I saw him, said hello and went straight to sleep lol.(Thank God I did, I think I ate and then slept). Although, they did ask me where everyone else was and I replied they were on their way(Not, I lied, chia where did i pick up that line). I slept and I remember been woken up to the panic in my maid's/aunty's voice (she came home and was asking where I was and if they had seen me) Dad replied I was sleeping(she did get intro trouble though, cos they later found out I went home by myself).  After all the shabang, Mum dressed us all up, we wore knickerbugger (a type of out fit was designed with a skirt/short). Myself and sis wore cream and Mum wore the green version(I cant clearly recall Dad's outfit). Mum looked really nice she had red lipstick on, I remember and she did her  hair nice too. We all looked nice, I had a scottish hair bow in my cute afro and we all jumped into Dad Mercedez white car (later, found out Mum's bro gave him the car).  So yeah, that was our first and only outing together as a family till date.

I never saw Dad much anyway although he worked away in the sea (he is an engineer), when he came home he left immediately. The other stuff I remember is the violence, Dad beating Mum (it was quite common when growing up, Men claim to discipline their wives, Mum always fought back though and I don't think she saw it as an abuse, clearly when she complained she did not mention that part). Dad telling us off and Dad coming home drunk etc. So, yeah I didn't really experience a marriage in that sense or know what is like to have both parents in my  life working together in a partnership and living together. Its not like that in our family, Mum did majority of the work and Dad when he felt like it showed up(as we call him part-time Dad). Please understand have moved on and I do not hold any grudges quite frankly Mum has done an excellent job with us (I don't feel like I have missed out anything, cos God has blessed us in many ways, he has been more than a father and has helped Mum to nuture us). I am not bitter or sad or anything of such, if anything am postive, I have learnt from Mum's mistakes and Dad mistakes in their marriage and pray to be better(Dad and I are still close, although I see him more like an Uncle than a dad, and yes I have told him about himself and his selfish ways times without number, lol).

That is a just a brief encounter of what I know of the marriage I experienced, but where this passion for marriage come from?? I guess only from my KING. (I am pro marriage and I am for it all the way but not just any type of marriage sha, like the ones where both individual in it are level headed and actually understand marriage). So far, my origin of marriage comes from my believe in God and as the creator of the Earth.

Please read the next post for continuation.....

God is love, love on yourself and others too.