Sunday, 26 February 2012

Marriage: As Motives

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Hello People of the world...

I hope you are all well...

We thank God for his mercies and his testimonies, I pray we will rejoice in the good, bad and ugly because joy comes in the morning and life is journey so we get to pick and chose our outlook on it.

I want to do a quick post on this topic.

This topic mainly addresses the ideologies and selfish motives and intentions as to why people want to get married or be married etc.

I think some of us see marriage as a point of social elevation or promotional status in society that once you have reached a certain age then surely marriage should be next on the agenda. Based on that, we  subconciously rule out the purpose marriage stands for and the consistent work that has to be invested in it which takes your mental, emotional, financial physical and spiritual life etc. Some of us wrap ourselves up in the mentality that am old hence I have to be married, time is running out, hence anything will do, chai my mates are all hooked up and I am the  only one living the single life, I need to start breeding my eggs are running dry, my siblings all have children and am an aunty to loads of them already, mehn I have grey hair, etc etc. The lists are endless.

In fact, marriage in today's world in  my opinion is a business, a contract, a meaningless showcase where both couples in it have no real intention of working together in partnership but just doing it for reasons that are selfish and personal to them.

For some of us, marriage as we do not realise is born out of motives/intentions and these are the logical thoughts process that occurs behind every action we carry out whether good or evil. When God said to Samuel in the book of 1st Samuel ch 16 vs 7 " for the LORD does not look at the things people look at, people look at the outward appearance but the Lord look at the heart". In essence, we see what we see with our physical eyes but the LORD sees the heart and the intentions of man. For this reason I believe the motives/intentions of both of individuals will ultimately direct the vision/purpose behind the marriage and its accomplishment.

I will proceed to discuss five topics relating to marriage as motives:

1)

Anticipation


Some of us, we  are in such a hurry to this marriage business we fail to anticipate, pray,  act and work on ourselves, we are too busy thinking and cooking up stupid and selfish reasons as to why we need to be married that we fail to understand marriage is deeper than what meets the eye. It is not a one stop road to indulge all our selfish fantasies even though we have them i.e. 100% guaranteed sex life no more one night stand etc. We fail to anticipate nothing is guaranteed apart from the grace of God, anything and absolute anything can affect the sexual part of marriage. So then what happens, if he/she had an accident and cant perform or better still performs but you are never satisfied or you are satisfied and the other is not etc etc. This is time both couple should be thinking of solutions and not aggravations but seeing that the marriage had selfish motives at the time, thinking about solutions is out the window fast fast or maybe it was even thought about but it didn't work asap but selfish reasons reduces the lack of patience on both parts.

Besides, you tested the waters and knew both were compatible in bed but failed to realise other things or discuss other things i.e. his blood type or that particular sickness that runs in their family or maybe its that particular sickness that runs in your family but no family tree discussion cos anticipation ain't there. Better still, you failed to anticipate that the job ain't the right source or that he is doing dodging business or that the girl ain't telling the truth etc etc. Or maybe he will one day loose his job and you will be the bread winner of the family and he will be too busy being depressed to show support.The lists are endless. However, some of us will fail to take our time, to study each other and actually learn about each other i.e. communicate. In addition, we do not seek guidance or help from God or other positive sources but we ASSUME thinking we KNOW that our marriage will work why: because we LOVE each other. You will realise what LOVE is until you enter the marriage and start seeing double sided person.. that when you would wished you prayed more or at least paid more attention to little detail and prayed about it more.

2)

Fantasies

Mehn for some of us we live in a world of daydream (me lol) but some of us our own pass Disney Walt ohh in fact them no get idea wey our mind they for this one lol. We live in a realistic world where things happen in a predictable/unpredictable way. Thing change. situations affects us,  human beings change, our lifestyles and things that we do changes, but in our daydreams it is perfect and honkeydory no quams. Until the day realities of marriage and the sacrifices of marriages hits us like a ball in the face.
So you met prince charming, you met cinderalla all happily ever after and then in the marriage  he/she does not help out in the house chores. You say its nothing it will pass, but he/she does not help with anything around the house i.e. financially, spiritually and physically but you say it will pass too. Then gradually, it dawns on you the person you once dated not COURTED (cos I think courtship is deeper) but  because quite frankly you were too busy going on dinners, sleep overs that you were taken off guard that you did most of the work but it didnt occur to you then or it did and you failed to acknowledged it, marriage was on your case, willing to reduce standards or compromise meaninglessly. Now, you are married and find out the person is lazy in fact good for nothing, might as well be single because you are not only realising your are feeling single every day, you realise you are been used as a slave, hooker and houshelp and you are in this marriage all by yourself.

The time that should be spent building standards, studying and working on flaws was wasted on building and maintaining unrealistic fantasies and secretly hoping and giving meaningless excuses.

3)

Pressure

For some of us we are perfectionist in fact we want everything to work according to our plans and if it does not we get mad, we fail to leave room for possibilities that mistakes are lessons, failures are learning process to success etc. Everything just needs to be done at our time, pace and world, we forget Ecclesiastics ch 3 that says " there is time for everything, and a season for an activity under the heaven". Everything has its time and place that is why when you feel time is too long we  should focus on ourselves and work to improve and impact positively instead we put ourselves under immense, unhealthy, necessary  pressure that time is not on our side and look to society for comparison and justification.

 Clearly, society feeds us with unnecessary pressure because we allow it and are open to it and then we say my mum wants me to get married or my parents are already pressuring me etc etc. There is a thin line between concern and obsession and when people genuinely ask us because their concern we think they mean we should marry now and then and we take it for literal meaning. Why: because our mindset is already under pressure from when we started realising that age is not only a number but its tells on the skin and the body and we fail to understand that marriage tells even more(although some married couples can conceal it through surgery but mehn their soul is sooo weak,we have no clue). This is because we have not experience marriage surely the couples are glowing and having fun hence, it must be beautiful we do not know their stories or their marriage but we look from the outside and pass judgement.As result,when the next person comes an expresses their evil intention  for marriage which we clearly cannot see or we see but fail to acknowledge we are too busy praising God and shouting hallelujah that we have met the ONE clearly the ONE is thinking have hit the jackpot, all I have to do is keep pretending. The pressure as overclouded our judgement that we have not taken a tiny step back to analyse and consult for advice. We lay our beds and we lie on it and we say nobody tells us what marriage is about.....well, well ..life is a learning process so no pressure.....


4)

Intimidation

The society we live in, is full of oppressors as in people that will rub it in your face like no other and make you feel it like no other and next you know you are craving it not only because you think its nice to be married but because you cant wait to shove it in their face and rub their face in it. But, we sometimes do not take a step back and look at the oppressors and wonder whether or not its real or fake or perhaps its so bad their purposely shining it in our faces to make themselves feel better.   You hear phrases  and you are already intimidated and blood pressure is on the rise and you thinking why me oh Lord why me self pity syndrome is not even helping matter "Since I have been married I have never felt more loved or completed in my life, marriage is amazing there is nothing like it, "my  hubby is the best" "my wife is awesome" "our marriage is just great" etc etc. Nothing is wrong with these phrases except that it makes you feel less worthy and makes you yearn it more because as far as you are concerned marriage is what making these individuals happy not the amount of constant work they both have to equally invest in if not, there is a scale going down somewhere. Some married people do not make it easier by making it seem its perfect and that there is no hardwork involved and come to think it of is it their responsibility to make it easier or make it less imperfect?( I dont know). What I do know is if two imperfect people get together surely their will be frictions and all sorts, it must take a level of understanding and maturity to agree, disagree, compromise and eventually dwell on the positives rather than the negatives. But we are too busy feeling intimidated by oppressors we take no notice of the little details that they  chose to leave  out i.e. why they constantly  call you for every single thing when they have their partner??? Sigh, you just want to be married so that all the  oppression is over jor right?

5)

Wedding Fever

Finally, you have had enough and it all caught up with you now   the age, oppression, time, etc its all around  you. You can no longer wait on God, you can no longer stay patient, you can no longer remain under service but want to be finished and want the finished product. The weddings are now getting to you.. ahaha you have attended  20-30 weddings in the past five years and you can no longer wait for your day. As in serioulsly, people that you are older than are married with children and more on the way etc. It ridculous, you are wating for this husband of yours and you are running out of patience with God because why: you have done everything under his name and obeyed him and yet he is blessing people with partners that did not even bother serving him or doing his will. Nawahooo, this kind God sef, abeg will take matters into my hand and listen to a friends advice call that brother jore and see how it goes. Now, its wedding fever that is getting to you ohh not because you are willing to share your energy and effort with someone esle. God is teaching you patience and generority because he knows in your marriage you will need a massive dose of it as there are unforseen circumstances that will challenge the marriage. But, you cant see that because you clearly think God is punishing you or has punished  you or the works of your hands are having karmar effect or could be God has forgotten you and gave up. You mistake preparation for punshment and allow wedding fever to take hold of your heart because really it was never  being about serving God selflessly, it was always what you will gain that mattered. Better still. your parntner is work in progress and based on esitmate its only few years to go and God needs you to pray for your partner progress to aid his perfect work. Instead, wedding fever takes over and you mistake a bronze for a gold and a conterfiet for the real deal. You realised down the line, you did not marry for love  let alone marry for God but married  for wedding fever to show off and feel among becuase after all the weddings you have attended you have mistaken it for marriage. Wedding is a ceremony and celebration of a union between a man and his wife but you thought it was marriage where two as supposed to become ONE i.e. work in parnerships... Now that the wedding is over, the celebration has now ended, both of you are not ONE and still struggling to agree whether  or not you should sleep in the spare room or in the sofa cos your partner does not allow sexual intercourse not because he is shy but because there are deeper problems, obviously you did not know that now... you are pracitsed abstinence from sex he was supposedly a Christian...??  What about the time when finances should have been discussed and it was overlooked due to mental pressure i.e. wedding fever. Afterwards in the marriage, you find out that all the money contributed towards the wedding was borrowed and actually he/she has massive debts..  wedding  fever hehe..


Conclusion:

There are many reasons beyond my comprehension why people tie the knot and get married but I think the intentions and motives really counts because it what makes a massive difference in the end.

I cannot mention it all, but I know we are all moved by what we see but we should not because we do not know what is behind the intention of anyone. It is important we remove our emotions from the situations and apply wisdom and prayer. Marriage ain't an easy road(each has it ups and down, although some might be steady it will not take the fact that its has it struggles whether good, bad or ugly), but for any decisions made, it needs to be accountable and justifiable. I think too many things are going on in the world that are happening too fast as a result our judgments are clouded.Having said that, it's understandable that pressure will get to us but just as we pray for the hubby/wifey to come, we should also pray for the grace to wait and stay happy, content, fulfilled and blessed whilst waiting.


God will continue to help us (I know I certainly need his grace, being single, waiting on God and doing things right is not the hard part, the hard part is when you fall for someone and you know your freedom, your life, your dreams, your space, body, soul and mind is shared with another and whatever happens you are accountable and responsible not only for yourself but your significant other). This is time to pray for the grace, patience and mercy that will help you on the road you going to take with that special person someday if not sooner.....

More to say but am tired and sleepy..

God is love, love yourself and on others too.

I pray God will never stop teaching and empowering me and many of us to reach our full potential and even exceed it (everything in life will stand a test of time, its important we know that each stage is one for growth, learning and developing).

Song for the week..


4 comments:

  1. Sometimes I think I wanna get married cos of the wedding dress and cake and being the centre of attention for the day...lol well,whatever your reason for marriage you should know at the end of the day that it is for better or worse...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey hun, thanks for visiting... waving with love..

      lol.i feel u... the older got i guess the more i realise that wedding is just one minute part of the journey and its alot more deeper than that...

      I definitely want to have a HOT wedding btw. but I want a HOTTER Marriage... if u feel me..

      xxx

      Delete
  2. You did a good job with the series and you touched extensively on different aspects of marriage and getting married. Most people have different intentions for getting married and they also have different ideas to how to make it work when they get there. Putting God first, getting to know yourself and your spouse better are also key.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey hun...thank u so much for the lovely comment.. hugs.....(happy smiles).

      The different motives/intentions are most likely to play an important role in the direction of the marriage. God should definitely be at the top of the list because it is he who is able to supply massive dose of grace and strength throughout the journey.

      YES, individuals should pride in understand and knowing oneselves... very significant.

      Delete

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