Friday, 5 August 2011

Life in Stage ~ My Story~My Life~My Man Cont...4 Final Series.

Dear Readers,

I am back and I promise to relay the last of the series. I will then proceed to update you with other personal things in my life. YES, Some personal things lol. (Well, I am not promising it would be asap).

Please enjoy the final series of the story. Thank you.

I love my baby, my hubby, my soul mate, my friend, my companion, my crown, my best friend, my sweetest, my sugar plum plum, my earthly igwe, my earthly prince, my lawyer, my comedian, my mirror, my everything and more. Though it been 3 years since saying goodbye to Jonathan, I have gained alot in return, everyday I miss him like yesterday. I remember dancing to our first song and recalling what Jonathan said to me, "honey I will always be there and do right by you". He was, everyday he was always always there smiling, encouraging me and just being my friend.

Looking back on the journey with Jonathan and the prostrate cancer was not hard at all. Jonathan made it so easy for us, he told us all the most beautiful things even when he got the result and we felt the worst. He looked into my eyes and said we will beat this, we will beat this. I couldn't mutter any words and all I kept on doing was nodding my head. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe it so bad, but the doctor said the cancer had spread so much and there is little they can do. Even if he does undergo chemo there is no guarantee. Despite all, Jonathan still smiled, took my hand,went out and took all the family out on a dinner date, he made us all laugh and all I could do was remember those words he whispered to me on our wedding day.

We made a decision to tell the kids on a Sunday after a church service and we gathered in the sitting room, I knew I was suppose to be the strong one but all I did was hold my hubby's hand and watch him say those words to our beautiful children. They were all so shocked and asked all the questions, and Jonathan said well, if it is time to join my Lord then I guess it is. But, I will fight, I will fight, and I will fight this thing. I sat there numb and didn't say much, other than its time for lunch.

It was 3 weeks after telling the kids and you could tell they were scared of losing their best friend the man of the house. Jonathan had to tell me the things I did not want to hear or confront, he had to let me know he could go anytime soon. He was already getting weak, he had informed his work place and they were sympathetic and wanted to have a ceremony but he was getting too weak at this point. My baby said he wasn't taking any medications and that he was done with the chemo program. I tried to encourage him and he said, "baby, I have to live in peace without pain, I need to teach my boys to become the man they should be for their wives". I need to talk with my daughter to understand the qualities to look for in a man. If I stay here, I will be in agony and will not be able to teach them, love them and create wonderful memories to the ones we already have. I had no choice but to allow him  fulfil his wish.

He was given 3 months by the Doctor, and he made sure each day was memorable, he took the boys out and  spoke with them and gave them all his time. He also did that with our beautiful daughter. Two weeks before his departure, he sat me there. I was dreading it so badly, he woke up late in the afternoon  that day and he was incredibly weak, I could see his ribs, his bones were poking out (I hated that part). But he could still smile, he would still try to eat my food, crack jokes, praise God. He sat me there and went on his knees and smiled and said he was sorry, he was sorry that he couldn't do it all, he was sorry that he wouldnt see my wrinkles, he is sorry he wont go on holiday with me to Spain like we planned, he is sorry that he wont tickle me, he is sorry that he wont annoy me, he is sorry he wont hold my waist, he is sorry he wont  be in those occasions we went together, e.g. Nigeria Holiday, he is sorry he will miss the boys graduation, he is sorry he will not be there holding my head on his chest, he is sorry he wont be able to hold me his arms, he is sorry he wont buy my first walking stick (funny boy) and he is sorry that he got sick and didn't finish chemo and he is sorry that he didn't see us grow old together and finish this marriage race together. He just kept saying please forgive me, am sorry.

All I could do was cry, cry cry cry,cry, I didn't know what to say, I just knelt down and hugged him hard and wanting to speak but I could not. It was hard, it was hard watching my baby go, it was hard praying and getting angry at God and at the same time happy that he would see us through. It was not easy  many nights I would ask God why and and for healing, but God said it was time. I was so angry, how can it be time, this was not the plan? God said Jonathan wants to come home and I kept saying why would you want him to come home, why? God said that something Jonathan can answer.

I remember 3 days before his departure and me standing over his hospital bed, he had been there for a week. I asked him why he gave up and why he didn't allow God to heal him. He smiled and said, " baby, the love of my life, its my time". "I want to go".  I stood there, numb  how can you say that after all we have been through. He took my hand and said it is not you, it is not us, its not me. I guess, I feel like I have done my part and the rest is in his hands.

I looked at him and said my very last words he replied "Do not ever stop caring, do not stop being that wonderful Jonathan and always visit". I made sure he promised and he said he promised. That was it, he slept for 2 days and left on the third day.

To say it was hard is an understatement, to say I still do not hurt, is a lie, to say that I hate being in this position is a lie, to say I don't want  to give up is a lie. But, for some reason I find courage, I find courage from God, I find courage from our children, I find courage from what our marriage was about, I find courage from what we have achieved together, I find courage from our memories, I find courage from our testimonies together, I find courage from his values, his principles, his character. I look at everything and I am happy, am happy because he didn't leave us, he didn't stay away, he did his part and it was time.

I am happy that his children will become great, they will bear children that will make  positive impact and our generations will carry the genes of Jonathan and that makes me happy. That I would be part of history.
It is not easy to lose someone dear to you but you have to rise above the challenges no matter how hard, how unjust, how unfair, how sad. We have to be VICTORIOUS.. ALWAYS

This story was inspired by the Holy SPIRIT, it is purely fictional, any correlation to a real life story is purely coincidental. But, I want to say JESUS CARES, HE CARES BECAUSE HE FELT IT TOO. HE CARES BECAUSE HE CAN SEE THE PAIN, the pain of losing someone, the pain of not being able to hold or see that person or communicate with them.

I pray he will comfort us, he will see us through and help us to get through any pain in our hearts. I pray he will  pure his healing love in our hearts and help us to see the joy that comeS in the morning.

This was very emotional for me (I cried all through writing this, but I hope it inspires, encourages and uplifts you that there is hope.)

Ok.. back to the happy me.. lol. well I see u in few days in other post.

God is love, love yourself and on others too...

Note: Sometimes it is not that God does not heal, sometimes people in some serious states like Jonathan just want to go home, they just want to their part and go home.

HAPPY SMILES....

5 comments:

  1. First off, hope you are okay?
    I just saw your comment on my blog (re: the stairs) and I got worried about the fall.

    Regarding this piece: This was quite emotional because it took me to a place that I dont like the go - thoughts of 'what if one's partner goes?

    We (humans) can never know what will happen tomorrow and that is why we should love each other as if each day is our last. Not easy.

    Take care of yourself

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  2. Hi N.I.L..... WAVING...

    I am great ohh... thanks for the concern. I appreciate it. I am well now, thank God, could have been a bad fall. But I didn't even sustain any injuries (not serious ones). Thank u again.

    Re: the piece, I am sorry to take u on that journey. I was inspired to write the piece to show that life sometimes can be difficult but JESUS love is available.

    I hate the thought too with passion in fact. But I guess this life is not really home. I pray God will continue to support us and teach us.

    Yes to the last sentence. I pray we will learn to show love and not stop.

    ReplyDelete
  3. *phew*
    I had to come back again and check on you.
    I'm glad you are fine
    have a good weekend
    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yep... I can imagine... life makes us speechless sometimes...

    ReplyDelete

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