I apologise for not getting back earlier I had some drama in my life (but will probably blog about that sometime later).
Thank you to all that read my blog and writings I know am not the bestest writer but thanks for reading and following me. I appreciate it.
I am intending on completing what I started i.e. the story I have been telling over the past two months or so.
Sense of Understanding is a summary on how I have coped with the whole situation and what I have learnt during and after all that has happened between me and HIM.
Sadly, we did break it off and it happened in November 2010. Basically, He spoke with his mum and told his mum everything and his mum said he should to go with his Gut feeling and that what he did.
According to him he believes "us" going our separate ways was the will of God and he is at peace with it.
Boi, was it HARD.... it is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with till date even the killing Malaria I had in 1997 does not top this pain. Well, we talked after that, but I was too angry to understand, I was to angry to see the point. I was angry because I felt he did not care, I was angry because I let my guards my down, I was angry because I genuinely was into him, I was angry because I thought he was the ONE. I was angry because I actually saw myself with him. I was angry, bitter, sick, everything. Christmas in my house was like nothing. I could not eat, or laugh. I never knew what it felt to be emotional sick or broken until that event.I must say I felt a part of me died. It was that horrible.
So, we sort of talked during December 2010, but it was not the same, I blamed him for being a coward and not fighting for us like he promised. But all in all, I knew it was over.
I blocked him off FACEBOOK, SKYPE, MY PHONE, DELETED ALL THE BEAUTIFUL PICTURES even the nice video I made for him. I had to get rid of him. But it was not about the physical things.
It was my mental state too, I needed to purge him and boi it was not easy, He was a really cool guy. When I remember us I would break down. I cant describe the feeling I felt but I knew I was sick emotionally, I was not happy and I could not smile. I had to pray him out, in January 2011, I remember saying God if you are real and you see me now, pls just take away this feeling (I called it emotional cancer, it seemed to sap away every form of joy, happiness and peace) from my spirit. The core of my spirit was hurting and I could feel it, the inner part of me (it is really weird but imagine an onion that has many layers but deep in the circle there is a maggot or something nasty growing inside there, you cant see it but once you begin to peel it layers, you will eventually see it). God answered and I started to feel better, not healed but better as in my spirit felt better. I myself needed to heal and needed to let go and stop regretting or blaming anyone. It was a gradual process, I had to accept it was OVER as in over he is not coming back and going on his knees to apologies(all the daydreams mehn). Well, I then had to re-programme my mind that it we were not meant to be (It was really long). I then had to forgive him (I had to forgive him because I need my healing and being upset at him was doing me no good).
Afterwards, I had to forgive myself (that took forever), I am my own worst/best critic and nobody can critic me more than me (I see alot of my flaws and I hate failing). So, Yes I felt like a failure, I felt like a failure because I should have known better. I should have shielded myself, I should being extra cautious, I should have guarded my heart with strong iron bars, I should known that it was too good to be true. I felt I should have been prepared to deal with the situation in a matured way. I was wrong, ( I felt vulnerable, I felt like a child, everyday I had to learn to let go). It was just horrible but I learnt loads.
Gradually, I began to learn to let go with the help of God and I became strong. I began to understand that what does not kill you makes you stronger. I began to understand that experience is the only teacher, I began to understand humans are resilient and we go through tough times but we can bounce. I began to understand that life is full of surprises and that each learning experiences is building you up for another challenge ahead. I began to understand I was not the failure, he was not the failure, nobody is a failure. It is what it is. No explanation, yes there were contriburuty factors such as maturity, sense of self, understanding etc. But whatever will happen, will happen no matter what you do. I began to understand life in itself is complex and we try to understand it but we can only try. I began to understand that I am stronger than I thought and I would be a testimony from this.
My point is am still understanding alot of things, I am still understanding how to cope with certain things but I know everything is a learning process.
But I wont deny these questions:
Do I miss him? YES.
Do I think about him? For a while I did not, but lately I have been.
Do I want him to come back? To be honest Not sure..
Will I say YES if he comes back for me? I dont know...time will tell
Do I wish him well? YES.
Will I be happy if he gets with someone else? YES (why should I be mad or jealous).
Do you I still like Him? YES as a person.
What are my best memories? (i like the way he pretends to be a child and acts like one of my Sunday school children (I am Sunday school teacher). I like it when I have to calm him down when is upset or being cheeky, I like it when he calls me by my full name or when he pretends to be my DAD and tells me off or when he tells jokes that are not funny but I laugh because he is so sweet or when he preaches about the bible and we pray together. I like it when he apologies and he actually admits he was wrong and I cherish the times he would actually tell me his going to eat with his family at the dinner table (so sweet). I cherish the times he tries to speak in Nigerian accent or speak in yoruba (he is rubbish). I cherish the openness and trust we had. I miss us cooking together, when he would actually stay with me in the kitchen when I cook and help out, or when I taught him how to bake toffee cake.
I hated saying goodbye because I always cried and each time I do this, he would hold me in his arms, kiss away my tears and assure me that he will see me soon and apparently my tears taste great ( lol.. weirdo).. (I miss the times he would look into my eyes and just smile) and I miss the nicknames, one of my favourite pet name was " fine fine jawline all mine" and pringles cos I like pringles. he was really cool. One more thing I cherish the countless of times I fed him rice and chicken and I meant spoon feeding him(Yuck face I know, but I like it and he loves rice.....). I have beautiful memories of HIM. I really do and I am grateful for that.
Do I think life is unfair? Nope, life is a learning curve.
Do I think I will feel love for someone again? Possibly but am not ready now.
Will I ever be ready? Nope, but I know I will end up with a really awesome dude (winks).
Do I think love is a gift? YES.
What do I miss about US? The Friendship. it was really cool... I could pour my heart like my innermost thoughts and not feel judged and he was honest and I am happy I got to see his vulnerability (For a guy to show his vulnerable side is rare, I think).
Do I think he really cared about me? YES
Do I think he was confused? YES, at the time he didn't know what he wanted.
Do I think he will learn from the situation? Most likely, I can't tell but he does seem like someone that learns from mistakes.
Have I learnt anything from this experience? Yes, I am alot wiser, calmer, rational and simple. well I like to think so. I expect less from people now, in fact I do not have any expectations at all even though my subconscious mind will. I AM NOT.
Do I think God allowed this? Maybe he did or maybe not, I know I prayed about the whole thing before and after but I know God knows whats best for me.
Do I question God judgments? Yes, but have learnt to deal with it and move ON.
Do I think God taught me through experience? Nope, I allowed myself to be taught through this experience by being humble through the grace of God.
Do I feel complete with God in my life? Yes and No. Yes because I allow myself to be completed with the grace of God and No because God can only do what we want him to do. So if I allow myself to be completed by God then this is the case (ok, quite a complicated answer there, but in a nutshell I allow myself to be complete if I open my heart).
How am I now? I am in a better place, am happy, I am learning and developing and I can say have moved ON. Yes, I miss him every now and then but its whatever you learn to deal with what you cant have and what you have. Now I have me and my future so am dealing with my life.
Overall do I have any advice for anyone that is hurting or has been hurt before or about to be hurt. I can only say enjoy the experience and learn as much as you can. If you want to believe God will help you, you have to be ready to admit you need help and the help of God will only happen with your cooperation but its hurts less when God grace is present or should I say you are able to heal thoroughly in all aspects. So, don't worry no matter what happens we are all suppose to learn one thing or two about life.
This is it my friends, I have nothing really deep to say other than I have learnt so much and I have come along in understanding that not everything in life has an answer so deal with what you have and MOVE ON.
I hope you are inspired (I tried). God bless you if you believe and if you do not (well .... errm I guess whatever you believe bless you).
God is love, love yourself and love on others......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk This bruno Mars song says it all.. change the her to HIM and girl to BOY..... I felt like that... When I see your face, there is not a thing I will change, cos You are AMAZING just the way you. YOUR SMILE....