Sunday, 8 April 2012

The Test FINALE...

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 Comments, Views, Opinions, Expressions, Ideas etc etc are all welcome

Hello People....

I hope we are all good and fabulous. I read about  a post on Toinlicious and I must say I envy your positivity and attitude. I pray HIS glory concerning you and your family will continue to wax stronger. It amazing how we can react to bad news in a positive way and not allow it to affect us negatively.

I myself  have a little story to add to that, I don't know how many people read  my thanksgiving to God about getting a new job. Well, I graduated last year with the hope of securing a job but things were not looking great. Cut long story short, after I found this job, I felt it  was about time to gain ground, little did I know, it was not to be. I went to work during the week, that same day after my arrival, my office manager called me aside to tell me "the director is considering employing an experienced marketer" so in a nutshell I was dismissed.  To be honest, it makes you ask a lot of questions but what is the need? I know for a FACT I will not go hungry. Not because of paying tithe or offering ohh, but because I have that ASSURANCE by his grace. The other thing I am rest assured of  " when one door closes, another will OPEN".  By HIS grace and faithfulness I will  testify.

Life like I always say is a journey of discovery so, never give up "we are suppose to learn one thing or the other".

Thank you Lord for the birth and resurrection of JESUS. Truth is am not sure if am feeling the Easter this year but I know my JESUS lives regardless of whether I celebrate Easter and its traditions or not.

Alright, enough gloominess ohh..lol. Back to the story "as innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, you mean, you get, you feel, OUSH..lol "Jenifa lines". I showed my mum for the first time through iroko TV. Thank God for that website ohh...

On a serious note, I will now resume the continuation of Kemi and Kayode story as relayed by Kemi herself.

Kemi: I was standing right there, staring at him with disgust, anger, pain, hurt, annoyance and  vulnerability. My friend that was with me  at the time, God bless her took complete charge of the situation, made it clear, that Kayode had on three minutes to say whatever he needed to say. She even went ahead to time him with her phone and threatened to call the police for harassment if he went above the time limit. Looking back now, it is so funny, she was adamant too, I was too weak to talk or protest. I just wanted to get away and go home or at least somewhere else.

Kayode: Kemi I don't have not much to say other than, pls if you could only take my card or my number and we can talk further.  I could take yours whichever you prefer. I know you completely hate me right now, which I accept but we have to talk. I am genuinely sorry for  all that has happened.

Kemi: On that note, he stood up, left his card with my friend "who took it". He left. I stood there shaking, and still upset, my friend took me home.  I did not know where the strength came from to slap KK, and I didn't even know I had it in me, but I was glad I did. He deserved more than that for all that he did.  For the next 3 months after the episode, I did not call Kayode even though my friend purposely tucked the card into my bag and encouraged me to do whatever I felt within me. She said "if you chose to give him ring, it would either show  "you are  compassionate" or you are a mere fool". This is why she suggested I prayed over it because whoever I discuss this with will have an opinion and idea on it, that might not necessarily be a Fact. As for me, I did not bother, for the next 3 months I did not pray about it,  in fact, I tore up the card and left the situation there.

I went to Church on Sunday which I seem to go when I felt like really. This particular sermon "pastor was preaching about unforgiveness" and the attitude we have as Christians towards it. He went on to use a personal story of a lady friend whom he had trusted and loved betrayed him so bad. In the midst of it all, and  finding ways to forgive her and the wrong she did, he met his the love of his life JESUS through another love of his life "his wife". It was a turbulent time for him and forgiveness did not come naturally "in most cases it is not suppose to and anything to the with the matter of the heart or mind" It is harder to let go because of the emotional connection. It was his friend at the time who is now his wife that encouraged him to learn to let go and that it was good for him to mourn, get angry, be upset,  feel all the emotions but do not stay bitter and do not remain in that situation. Through this and the more time spent with God, he realised that we also do things, and hurt other people intentionally or not we are forgiven when we confess our wrongs. Even so, Jesus encouraged us to forgive not seven times but SEVENTY SEVEN times (Matt 18:22). He went on to say that  it meant Jesus recognises people will hurt us, and people will offend us even up to SEVENTY SEVEN times and we have to forgive despite all. It also meant there is grace that comes with it, surely God realises that we live in a world where offences is generated and often returned but we are instructed to forgive one another, be kind to one another and compassionate just as Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). He spoke more on unforgivness, and the more he said, the more I felt within me, this was for me. It was at this point, I realised I had not forgiven not entirely, I had not forgiven my old pastor, my church members, even Kayode.

It was much easier for me to suppress things and convince myself I had let go but the emotions that I felt seeing Kayode proved me wrong. It was until then, I got home, went on my knees and cried to my Lord and  told him all I felt and still feeling and how I needed him to help me because I was truly lost and I wanted to be found. I approached my pastor that I had not spoken to after the whole incident on my wedding day. He was quite shocked to receive a call from me and we agreed for a meeting.

He apologised and said he tried his best to sort everything out and even tried to pay me a visit but I had my changed address, phone number, email etc  and before that my Dad had warned him never to contact me or have anything to do with me ever again. I told him I was not aware of all this, infact I was not in a good place myself, and only felt neglected by the church for not showing support and love.  I  had only called him because I felt it within me   and I found the number through an old  church magazine. I told him about KK and what had happened when I saw him. He was so happy that about the encounter and really encouraged me to call him that if it was alright with me, he would collect my number or email address and pass it on to him or vice versa. He told me there was alot KK has to say to me but he could not do it because it was not his place. But he mentioned something that juggled my memory.

Old Pastor: Do you remember  the feeling you had you two would be tested in a big way but you weren't sure and we prayed and fasted over it.

Kemi: That was a long time ago pastor. But I remember clearly now. Could it be this is the test.

Old Pastor: It could very much be. I say this because just the other night, I woke my wife up for both us to pray for you two. We as a church had always put you before God but this was different. We were putting you before God as man and wife. For you to call me and now speaking with me, it seems to me God has a hand in this situation and I believe it will work out for good.

I left feeling empowered and encouraged although I had my doubts, I had this assurance everything will work out for good. At this time, I had not told any member of my family about my decisions so far or even seeing KK. I really wanted to let things go and discussing it I felt will bring back old sores. I carried on as usual, doing everything,  by this time my cousin had gone back home to get married and mum went to support. I had stayed because again I felt it was not yet time for me to go. I also had an opportunity to think clearly in my own space.

Two weeks after my meeting with Pastor. I got an email from KK who had said pastor had passed on my details but felt the need to email first before he could call me. I responded back and we said hello via email for a week. He decided to ask me again if we could meet up in my own time  and talk face -to-face. I was still upset, still felt certain emotions but I was able to deal with them by God'grace. I was really nervous, I had not seen him for almost five years. I prayed and I chose an open restaurant to meet up. I made sure I told one of our  prayer group from my new church that I was meeting with someone. and would like him to come with me. I also made sure KK knew  that I was bringing someone with me. I knew it was going to be awkward but I felt much better if someone else that is neutral that knew nothing about our past or knew us personally was with me. I could tell from his voice that he did not sound too excited about me bringing someone else most especially a brother but I was not bothered in the least about his reaction if he had nothing to hide, he would be himself.

I went home feeling  more confused as ever but clearing the air little bit was great.  The restaurant was beautiful and the scenery was perfect not romantic and the person  I brought with me from the prayer group was well matured and did not interrupt much. He was a married elderly man with grand- children.  He posed no threat was so ever from my end at least. I could tell by KK face he was happy that it was not a  younger brother he was thinking about. Obviously, we did not dwell on trivial issues as such, we had more serious conversations to unfold.

As I sat in my bed that night, I wondered and wondered about how life is in general and how situations can easily be misguided.

According to KK, there were alot more deeper issues he did not tell me beforehand and the morning of the wedding had played out in a different way.

Kayode: At exactly  1 month to our wedding date, I knew certain things were not right within me, for some reasons I was  feeling pain and sweating alot more. I had frequent headaches and was hurting but I had put it down to stress and too much work. I knew I was working over time to meet up with our expenses. I  had found it  increasingly difficult to pass out urine without feeling pain of some sort. I genuinely thought it was not much of a big deal. I had shared my concerns with a colleague from work and he had suggested I see doctor about it. I knew it had nothing to do with STD because I was abstaining . I went for check up and the GP told me it could be anything  but the diagnosis will need to come through first in order to find out what it was, but based on my symptoms it seems like a  prostrate cancer. I did not know what to say but he gave me some additional information and prescriptions for the pain etc.  Besides, he was not certain for sure, so I tried to eliminate  worry from my mind. I did what I knew best, I said a prayer and left it in God's hands. It was 3 weeks later, the test came through to confirm that I had prostrate cancer stage 3,  which most likely had spread through the prostrate, the tube and semen. Having all these information thrown at me did not make me feel comfortable. In fact, it made matters worse because all I thinking was what if "I cant stand or rear children" will I ever make her happy sexually, how this would change our lives forever.

I had on many ocassions made up my mind to tell you  but each time I opened my mouth I say something else. I could not do it to you, cause  you pain or hurt your feelings. You were always happy each time I saw you, talking excitedly  about the wedding, marriage, children etc. I was a coward, I could not find the strength to tell you. Despite my worries, the date for my treatment was actually on our wedding day. I had told my colleague from work who had pestered to know the result of my test. He had spoken with the board of directors who decided to pay for my treatment and booked me in a private hospital in  Germany. I tried to protest,  it was my wedding day and I could not do it. I had no choice, it was either that day or wait another 6 months in which the cancer would have advanced if not killed me. It was one of the hospitals that had the latest technology and treatments available. I was too distraught, I wrote it down and decided to post it to you, I was too ashamed to tell you, I did not know why I felt that way. Although, we decided we would tell each other everything but all I kept on thinking was you were too young to be widowed, you are too wonderful  not be able to rear children if you married me. The pain I felt would have been much easier to deal with if you did not know. Well at least I convinced myself  of that. On our wedding day, for some reason I plugged up the courage to tell my parents who eventually told the pastor who felt you had the right to know no matter what.

We were in the office when you arrived with Dad, when he was told everything. He said I was a weak man with wicked intentions and he would not allow this news to get to you and I should stay away. He went on to tell pastor that he should NEVER contact you. Pastor was a culprit to my wicked plans etc. It was better if he took you home and sorted things out. I think he must have told you I had left and none could contact me. I felt powerless, he was right that I was weak but I had good intentions, at the time I felt I was protecting you by not allowing you to deal with the mess I would have to face. It was too much, what if I had not made it, you have invested time and energy into nothing. It was better if you thought other than dealing with the pain of me having a cancer etc.

During everything, we tried to beg your Dad but he would not give us a chance. I went for my treatments and after two years of battling and fighting, I won and I am thankful to God, the support from friends and family and prayers. I waited till I could gather my strength to approach  Dad  again about my intention but insisted on not seeing me or allow me to see you. It hurt, I was in pain for all these years.I also tried contacting your old work place, visited your old address, contacted your cousin none was to no avail. It was a dead end, pastor encouraged me to leave it all in God hands. It was harder because I had done that before, I felt he let me down. I had to gather courage and allow God to do his will. It was not  until then, that I had to trust in  his strength not mine.  Besides, it is not by my power I am alive, but through the ups and downs, your smile really encouraged me. I knew you weren't there, but I had surrounded my room with our pictures, your smile, your encouraging words. I was determined to look for you and try my best to explain all that had happened, at least you would know that I did not intended to leave even though that was what happened. I had failed once and now I knew I did not want to fail again. I decided to focus on building my confidence again, my career and future plans. When an old friend had invited me to a wedding, I had turned it down but felt the need to go later on. I changed my mind that morning and went and that was when I could not believe what my eyes saw. When I saw you, I was not sure, you looked different, you were glowing but you looked different, alot more slimmer and you had an haircut. I could tell right away you had lost alot of weight and you had been in pain. As I proceeded to approach you, I could not imagine your reaction but I knew whatever it was, I was ready for it and I didn't care even if you chose to ignore me. I must say the slaps you gave me meant that alot more than pain, it showed me you still cared enough to demonstrate how you felt. I would not have preferred it any other way, it was a different experience to see you angry, I have never seen that side during our courtship but then again I knew it was not in you to do such, situation can provoke some reactions in us we never thought we had.

Kemi: It was revelation what KK had told me earlier, I  sat on my bed feeling weary and drained. We had talked about alot of things and everything but I could not help thinking why didn't I pay enough attention. I recalled times during our courtship when he would look lost or as if he wanted to say something but would close his mouth or say something else I thought was irrelevant and strange. Little details  like that was brushed away but looking back now became more apparent. I asked myself that question would I have appreciated it,  if KK told me about the cancer at the time.
My response: I do not know, I knew I would have felt powerless, emotional etc that we had to be face this challenge but I knew without a doubt at the time  I would have stood by him. But then again, maybe I would  have stood by him but not have dealt with the situation in a positive way. I believe I would have stayed, but it would have been harder for me to see him suffer.

The truth is I could never tell my reaction because  in life we never know what we would do until a situation occurs. It is sometimes easy to say  I would do this and that but again, we can't tell but only ASSUME. This is why am amazed how things truly do work out for those that LOVE GOD.

It been 12 years, I am glad am married to the love my life, the one that is the bone of my bone, the flesh of my flesh. We have two beautiful twins a boy and girl and I could not have been happier. We have had our shares of ups and downs and we still do but am grateful  to God to be a living testimony. KK and I through HIS  grace worked things out and everything fell into place. We had a little wedding ceremony and Dad walked me down the aisle. I knew  Dad  made some decisions I was not happy with, but he did with all good intentions to protect me and he still does. I feel like as a couple, we have really been tested in a way that we could never imagined but also overcame  in a way we still cant imagine. It amazing how life works out in the end.

My advice: Whatever is worth holding onto, is worth appreciating and praised. We ought to have a mentality that everything happens in its season and time and with that we should always have a grateful heart and a positive attitude. We will  all go through different forms of test,which at times feels like punishment or torture but you have to TRUST it will work out in the end. Do not be anxious about nothing, but in everything, make your requests known to God through prayer and supplications (Phil 4:6).

Side note: Remember, no matter how you feel today, some people have it worse, be thankful.

NOTE: This is a fictional story, any story to real life is pure coincidental. Inspired by the one and only Holy Spiriiiieeee... hehehe..lol. Holy Spirit.

Thank you  for reading. God is love...Love yourself and on others too.

xxx

8 comments:

  1. HA!!! I guessed it had to be some chronic disease.. Nice write up..

    However I still think He should have told her prior to the wedding, not even waiting till the wedding day..It seem like he was thinking about himself most times not about how she will cope, the shame on the wedding day e.t.c.....Well its a good end to the story..

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  2. loool @ the guess... u guessed right... Thanks.

    I think he should have told her too and not wait till the wedding day. I hope this will encourage us to tell our loved ones things in advance come what may..

    Thanks for reading and commenting. much appreciated... xxx

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  3. Realy life is journey of discovery.

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    1. @ sell my house.. thanks for visiting. Yep...... if you pay close attention you will realise all along we have discovered alot concerning life be it medical, spiritual, physical, emotional, financial etc.. We discover things, we develop, we grow, we are inspired etc. Life is what you make it.

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  4. *sweeping away the initial gloom*
    1) In reference to your job, several garages are about opening for you sef (not just door) so get ready to be dazed by God's 'awesome-ness' :) Life is an amazing journey & it never helps to dwell on things we can't control. We need to be thankful for the things we have so far & leave the rest to God. We tend to take a lot for granted without realising how blessed we are. Sometimes, it's ok to just relax & take it all in.
    2) Thanks for the shout out love & amen to the prayers *hugs* Life is always more fun with humour in it ;) I don't even want to imagine what would have happened if we had been home (God forbid)
    3) I learnt a lot reading your story. Communication, full disclosure, forgiveness, honesty & patience are all important. Nice ending. Good one girl.

    P.S: Oya do some editing

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  5. lol@ editing ohh... i tried ohh... u have to manage am ohh.. loll.

    Thank u for the prayer ohh.. I claim it.. Amen. lool @ several garages.

    thank u love for reading and understanding the points behind the story....

    xx

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  6. Haba! it was wrong of him! She had the choice to accept him as he is or not! I go along with unveiling gold.

    About your gloom, GOD will sweep it away like a cloud and HIS favour will shine on you like the morning sun..it will be well.

    take care.

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    1. Yep. @ ibahde he messed up biggest time. but who does not? but I do believe pple should communicate and talk things out. This is an area some of us need help with as in...............

      But thank u for reading love. ur opinions are always valuable. infact all my readers opinions are.


      Thank u for the prayer. AMEN. I claim it. hugs..

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