I DON TIRE!!!

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Dear Lovelies,

WELCOME, welcome welcome to DHK blog. (happy smiles)... Blowing kisses to my old, new followers, commentators, stalkers etc. GOD BLESS U...

Today, I will share with you a story, an interesting one too, so please relax and enjoy...

Friday is the day, my friend Bolanle is coming to say hello and for us to catch up on our girly gist and  life in general. I was completely caught unguarded when Bolanle came in with raging  voice, I knew something was definitely up. Immediately, I thought " what could be the situation that has made my lovely turned into a dragon,  blowing fire". Well in this case, blowing words.

I  came into the sitting room to indulge her and asked if this was how she greeted her bestiee she had not seen in a while.

Bolanle:  Funmi, I am TIRED, TIRED as in exceptionally TIRED. I DON TIRE SEF. what is her problem? Seriously, why does she feel the need to constantly drive me crazy and how she thinks everything has to be done her way. I don't understand why we cant just enjoy the little peace we have. Everything, I constantly wanted was to enjoy my life as a wife and navigate my way through and not someone constantly telling me " its this way or that way". I know I probably sound arrogant now, but pls she should just butt out of our lives just this once and give us a chance to find what works for us. She really does mess up with my head, if it is not food, it is house, it is our darling son, it is this and that. She seems to have an opinion on everything and even Jeremiah apparently should not have been circumcised in the city it is much better done in the village.

Can you believe the other day, she actually asked me what types of sexual positions me and hubby does?? I could not even believe she asked me that question. She could tell by my reaction, I didnt see this coming and I didn't know how to answer it. She mentioned I should not be shy, that she had been there done that and has different advice to offer. I didn't even know how to react to that, it was just so strange, I had to tell her I did not know how to answer it.

Funmi: (As Bolanle, described every detail about her mother in law, I knew I could relate with her. This is exactly what my Mum does with me. She does not know when to keep it quiet and allow us to handle it and figure our way).

 I had to tell her, that I imagined how she felt and although I did not mention my personal battle.

I had to explain to  certain things to Bolanle,  Bolanle" I understand how you feel and the fact  that you feel someone is constantly watching you or critiquing you,  I know it can be sad at times". I also understand you feel that she should back off and not interfere in your personal business. I also think that you feel like there is only so much you can take, and as an individual you are trying your best to be respectful and make a complex situation sound lighter. However, you must understand your mother in law is only trying to help in her own way, she might not even understand that she is being a pain and constantly annoying you. She is probably trying to help you build a better home with Emeka and her grandson. She feels pouring her own wisdom will help you and hubby to  avoid  mistakes or make less ones. Although, I think she might not show her intention in the best way possible. I think she means well and you have to exercise patience and not rudeness and selfishness. This situation can cause resentment between you and her relationship and Emeka too.

Bolanle: You have spoken well, but I am still fed up with everything and I find myself constantly complaining to Emeka about his Mum. I mean she of all people should understand how to give us a break. She mentioned she wants to be in the background and help only when needed and also Emeka is the last child so she would be happy to put hands up and now enjoy the fruits of her labour. So why then? Is she going on about things and not giving us the little peace we need. She goes away  for a little while and within a two weeks she wants to be back again. Her constant visits is  now  getting too much.

Funmi: Bolanle, you make me laugh so hard. You mentioned I have spoken well but I dont think you LISTENED to any of my advice let alone pick up any lines. You are making this situation about you. You are not understanding her needs too. Remember, she is the MOTHER of your HUSBAND. She is the reason plus God why you are enjoying such a great Guy and having all your family support. It seems to me you have forgotten the times his other family members  disagreed, it was her that came and begged them  to allow you two to marry. She saw something in you and the potential of how could be a great wife to her last SON and she saw the great daughter in law you could be to her. Also have you forgotten she was not judgmental towards you,  she accepted you the first time Emeka brought you  to see  her in the village. She had her  reservations but she listened to her son and was willing to get to know you for you rather than tribe or culture.

Besides, you both felt comfortable around each other that you both became instant friends which was little surprising  to us as we know  some mothers find potential wives as threats to the relationships with their sons and can be so judgmental too. I remember the times  in your courting days with Emeka, when you would say "I am going to see my second Mum". You would pack a whole bag to stay for the weekend even sometimes for a week during your leave. You will come back telling me all sorts of things Mama had  showed you. You would talk about how much you liked her softness, kindness, openness and love. You would praise for her  raising five children single-handedly after losing her husband to stroke. You mentioned how you gave  her full body massage,  washed and styled her hair, and followed her to the farm. Remember, the time you even invited her  to lagos and gave her make-over for the help she has done over the years and you two had a photoshoot together. In fact, at some point, Emeka became jealous and felt threatened that you were taking his mum from him.

You have been blessed to have such an amazing Mother In Law that does so much and would even go to the extent of bringing  organic yam, plantain, vegetables grown specially for you two from the village. Each time she came to visit with you in the city. She has done so much and still doing.

You need to understand she is lonely too and feels the need to be of help and service to someone. All her life has been dedicated to her children and her closest is Emeka.  What do you expect? Of course she would be in your space, she misses her son, she misses the noise, she misses the sense of belonging, she misses been around people that she loves. This is why and many more reasons she would invade your space. I bet you Bolanle if you dont hold her closer and communicate your feelings in a respectful way or at least develop ability to tolerate and appreciate her love instead of your incovenience. You will be the one losing oh.

As for me I would be glad to have such Mother In Law that is willing to run around for us  and babysit for free.

Bolanle: Funmi, now that you have explained it that way which I had not seen before. I guess I have taken her niceness and calm nature for granted and I should be less selfish. It must actually be hard for her that Emeka her baby is now married and even harder that all her children are out of the country apart from us. I see that she means well but I also maybe need to relax and communicate with her instead of resenting her.

I will try to make it up with her on my way home today.This was how we finished the conversation to that matter.

We talked about other things, about me popping soon only two months to go. As usual, Bolanle was happy to give advice about babies, she saw our  new baby nursery, checked out clothes and we caught  up on  other issues.

That night before we said our goodnights, she promisied she would think less of her self and try to see from her mother's in law point of view. She would also make the effort to discuss things with her in love and openness.

But what happened within the space of her getting home and calling me, truly did surprise me.

That night after our conversation  Funmi, I felt I had off loaded my burden but I had to deal with it openly. As I drove to pick our son from my Mum, I resisted the temptation to tell her my issues  because I knew she would be keen to get involved.

After exchanging goodnight with Mum,  I  went home feeling more encouraged to discuss things with my mother in law  and clear the air. I got home to what I felt was not in my agenda.

At first I  heard voices echoing but I could not make out what it was about. As I took Jeremiah towards the stairs, it became clear, it was Emeka rasing his voice towards Mama. At first I could not believe it, I was trying to be sure so I stepped closer towards the room.

The next words that came out of Emeke were " Mama am tired of you constantly saying that Bolanle is not giving you enough attention. Can you not see we are trying our best to accomodate you and all you do is complain about her abilities and ciritque all the time. I don't think its fair that we have to constantly tip toe around the house because we dont want to hurt your feelings and disrespect you. But Mama, this is my wife we are talking about and from what I see she is trying her best.

As I held my opened mouth, the thoughts running through my head was "What have I done". My role was not to bring enemity or resentment in this household. So why is this happening, its all my fault. I should not have complained to Emeka so much. I felt so horrible.

Mama at this point was communicating in ibo language, which I could sort of make out she was angry and felt so upset.

She came out, and saw me standing outside, she gave me that funny look. You know the "ingrate, I dont blame you, witch you have poisoned my son against me look". She went downstairs, towards the   door as if she was leaving that night. It was really late, and when I came in earlier I must have missed the bags that were already packed.

I immediately ran after her  to ask where she was going. She didn't reply and looked as if she was struggling to open to door. I asked her again "Mama, where are you going? It is late. She ignored and started sobbing, calling me all sorts of names in ibo. I did not mind, I was so concern about her safety, I kept saying Mama, it is late. I didn't even know when I was on my knees even with Jeremiah, who was sleeping btw. I kept begging her, saying I was sorry, we were sorry etc.

Hubby came downstairs and had changed to some casual clothes and saw me and Mama by the door. He was puzzled and gave us both a funny look.

That was when I gave him the look " the what were you ever thinking look, why would tell her those things". We have to beg Mama not to leave tonight was what I said after. He gave me that "WHAT, beg her look, isn't this what you wanted". Me, "this is not what I wanted look, ok, maybe but not like this". We have to beg Mama I said again for the second time. Which by this time Mama was trying to call her eldest in Canada with her phone but the line was not going through.

I kept on begging her, I didn't give up, I spoke all the ibo language I knew to cajole her and get her to stay for that night. Eventually, Emeka joined me. We both were begging her, Mama we are sorry, we have been ungrateful, pls Mama we children, acting immature, we would not do this again.

Mama said, after everything I have done for both of you this is how you repay me. My God is watching you.

I felt even worse, we begged her for what seemed like an hour plus, although my legs were aching, I knelt there and didn't not bulge. Jeremiah,  woke up during the plea and started crying. That was when Mama  changed her mind to stay the night.

But it did not finish there.

This is one long story. So please pardon me. I promise to finish it next time.

Thank you for reading.

God is love. Love yourself and on others too.