Wednesday 30 November 2011

Feeling Better

Hi People,

I know I wrote in my last post I was very much emotional and hurting. But I am feeling much better now. I am loving these songs.....

P.S. Thank you to Myne and TLR for checking on me. God bless you both..

                                                       MaryMary ~ I 'm walking......

Hillsong: This is how we OVERCOME.....

Friday 25 November 2011


Hello bloggers,

I guess I have nothing  encouraging to write about today. But I have being  feeling sad lately and hurt. The pain I felt in the break-up is all coming back (you would have to read the three posts I did on it). I hate pain so much but I can't shake the feeling.

I am so praying that God will give me grace and strength to shake it off.

This song sums up how I feel right about now.

Tuesday 22 November 2011

My thoughts on Life......

Hello World,

Waving with love.......

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on life and understanding.

So here are some random FACTS I have come to know about life.

1)  I have come to embrace the notion of  experience is the only TEACHER  and development is the greatest TEXT BOOK (i made the last development part up. lol).
Experiences are supposed  to provide you with valuable lessons that will empower you in all you do in life. It is meant to be stepping stones.
With experiences comes development. Development shows the depth of lessons you have learnt and implemented and it all  reflects in your level of understanding and wisdom.
Maturity does not come with AGE..... IT COMES WITH SO MUCH MORE.

2)Living for the moment is good, but it can be costly when you live for the moment and make the worse decisions during that time. You will be surprised how living for the moment becomes living through the NIGHTMARES. Just saying think think think BEFORE YOU ACT.

3)The World does not stop for you,  but you wait on the world. In essence, when you have children, get married, get a job, you die, or lose someone etc. The World does not STOP for you and feel your pain or joy.  Although, when things happen to us the world will show a fraction of attention but they will not wait on you and stop for you. When you celebrate they do it with you, when you mourn, they will mourn with you. But at the end of the day, everyone goes their separate ways and you will wait on the world i.e. time and you will stop for the world i..e reflection.  The last time you checked, a friend was over,  you jammed, played, caught up on life. But they are now off doing their own thing and now You are now alone, waiting and  facing the world.

4) Understanding is key to not bother with people that are not significant. When you understand some people are just WRONG for you. You will learn to never bother yourself with them even when they are in your face. You simply carry on LIVING.  What I mean is (when you understand some people are programmed in  a certain way, you should  deal with it and not bother, if you are bothered,  you are yet to understand that they will never get YOU).

5) LOVE is EASY to say and claim. What is not EASY is when actions begs to differ than WORDS. You say you love me yet you NEVER think good of me. You say you LOVE me yet you never try to believe in me. You say you LOVE me yet you are not prepared to go the extra mile. You say you LOVE me but you are afraid to trust me. You say you LOVE me but you cannot see your actions are hurting me. You say you LOVE me yet, you are not prepared to be HUMBLE. YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME YET YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME.

6)Everything comes and goes. LIFE, MONEY, HOUSES, CARS, JOBS, PARTNERS, CHILDREN, DEGREE, LOVE etc. Everything in life comes and goes and nothing is permanent. MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY Stage. You can never go BACK. Remember just like IT came, IT  will leave.

7)Honesty is the best policy. It is starts with YOU. If you cannot admit to yourself that you have issues and it must be dealt with. How can you be honest with another person or about another person.It is an ILLUSION if you think you can be honest with somebody without starting with yourself..............

8) Life can be mean sometimes but it does not give you the right to be mean to another person. Being mean creates a circle that never stops. So when someone is mean is to you, try to not be mean to someone else. The other person is not the problem.

9) Not everything in life has  answers. You have to learn to deal with that. It is painful but what is the point of wasting time looking for the answer you will NEVER find. Better to channel ones energy towards a productive course.

10) There is nothing such as bad people or good people. People either have a polluted/evil mindset that transcends to their character or they have clean/clear mindset. We all make mistakes and do wrong, so if I can do wrong what makes me good? I guess the answer to the question is nothing makes us good because we all do wrong no matter how insignificant. WRONG IS WRONG.

11) I am a nice person, I really am  (always having good motives, that what nice means to me). Sometimes, some  people take advantage of that but will I change. No, I cant, I tried but I cant be mean. WHY: I am nice. There is no two way about it you are either a nice person or not. So, when next you find out someone thinks you are fool for being nice. Its ok, you are probably a fool for being nice, but there is nothing wrong being a FOOL that actually knows they are genuinely  nice and they know people will take advantage of it. It just goes to show you are who you are and NEVER change for anybody. (Although, there is a difference between nice and stupid. lol.).

12)PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE. Just when you think you have met someone that is different, it turns out they are no better. Shame really, because you should known never to have expectations. Just have an open-mind. It could go either way.

Finally, everything in Life happens in Stages even when it all happens fast.. Watch and Learn. Life in Stages..

LOL.. am done now. Feel free to comment..

God is love, love yourself and others too..

Pls stay tuned for another enlightened story....(its is gonna be epic, ok let me not jinx it ohhh)..

Thursday 17 November 2011

Sense of Understanding.... (Last series). lol.

Hi People,

I apologise for not getting back earlier I had some drama in my life (but will probably blog about that sometime later).

Thank you to all that read my blog and writings I know am not the bestest writer but thanks for reading  and following me. I appreciate it.

I am intending on completing what I started i.e. the story I have been telling over the past two months or so.

Sense of Understanding is a summary on how I have coped with the whole situation and what I have learnt during  and after all  that has  happened between me and HIM.

Sadly, we did break it off and it happened in November  2010. Basically, He spoke with his mum and told his mum everything and his mum said he should to go with his Gut feeling and that what he did.
According to him he believes "us" going our separate ways was the will of God and he is at peace with it.

Boi, was it HARD.... it is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with till date even the killing Malaria I had in 1997 does not top this pain. Well, we talked after that, but I was too angry to understand, I was to angry to see the point. I was angry because I felt he did not care, I was angry because I let my guards my down, I was angry because I genuinely was into him, I was angry because I thought he was the ONE. I was angry because I actually saw myself with him. I was angry, bitter, sick, everything. Christmas in my house was like nothing. I could not eat, or laugh. I never knew what it felt to be emotional sick or broken until that event.I must say I felt a part of me died. It was that horrible.

So, we sort of talked during December 2010, but it was not the same, I blamed him for being a coward and not fighting for us like he promised. But all in all, I knew it was over.
I blocked him off  FACEBOOK, SKYPE, MY PHONE, DELETED ALL THE BEAUTIFUL PICTURES even the nice video I made for him. I had to get rid of him. But it was not about the physical things.

It was my mental state too, I needed to purge him and boi it was not easy, He was a really cool guy. When I remember us I would break down. I cant describe the feeling I felt but I knew I was sick emotionally, I was not happy and I could not smile. I had to pray him out, in January 2011,  I remember saying God if you are real and you see me now, pls just take away this feeling (I called  it emotional cancer, it seemed to sap  away every form of joy, happiness and peace) from my spirit. The  core of my spirit was hurting and I could feel it, the inner part of me (it is really weird but imagine an onion that has many layers but deep in the circle there is a maggot or something nasty growing inside there, you cant see it but once you  begin to peel it layers, you will eventually see it). God answered and  I started to feel better, not healed but better as in my spirit felt better. I myself needed to heal and needed to let go and stop regretting or blaming anyone.  It was a gradual process,  I had to accept it was OVER as in over he is not coming back and  going on his knees to apologies(all the daydreams mehn). Well, I then had to re-programme my mind that it we were not meant to be (It was really long). I then had to forgive him (I had to forgive him because I need my healing and being upset at him was doing me no good).

Afterwards, I had to forgive myself (that took forever), I am my own worst/best critic and nobody can critic me more than me (I see alot of my flaws and I hate failing). So, Yes I felt like a failure, I felt like a failure because I should have known better. I should have shielded myself, I should being extra cautious, I should have guarded my heart with strong iron bars, I should known that it was too good to be true. I felt I should have been prepared  to deal with the situation in a matured way. I was wrong, ( I felt vulnerable, I felt like a child, everyday I had to learn to let go). It was just horrible but I learnt loads.

Gradually, I began to learn to let go with the help of God and I became strong. I began to understand that what does not kill you makes you stronger. I began to understand that experience is the only teacher, I began to understand humans are resilient and we go through tough times but we can bounce. I began to understand that life is full of surprises and that each learning experiences is building you up for another challenge ahead. I began to understand I was not the failure, he was not the failure, nobody is a failure. It is what it is. No explanation, yes there were  contriburuty factors such as maturity, sense of self, understanding etc. But whatever will happen, will happen  no matter what you do. I began to understand life in itself is complex and we try to understand it but we can only try. I began to understand that I am stronger than I thought and I would be a testimony from this.

My point is am still understanding alot of things, I am still understanding how to cope with certain things but I know everything is a learning process.

But I wont deny these questions:

Do I miss him? YES.
Do I think about him? For a while I did not, but lately I have been.
Do I want him to come back? To be honest Not sure..
Will I say YES if he comes back for me? I dont know...time will tell
Do I wish him well? YES.
Will I be happy if he gets with someone else? YES (why should I be mad or jealous).
Do you I still like Him? YES as a person.
What are my best memories? (i like the way he pretends to be a  child and acts like one of my Sunday school children (I am Sunday school teacher). I like it when I have to calm him down  when is upset or being cheeky,  I like it  when he  calls me by my  full name or when he pretends to be my DAD and tells me  off or when he tells jokes that are not funny but I laugh because he is so sweet or when he preaches about the bible and we pray together. I like it  when he apologies and he actually admits he was  wrong and I cherish the times  he  would actually tell me his going to eat with his family at the  dinner table (so sweet). I cherish the times he tries to speak in Nigerian accent or speak in yoruba (he is  rubbish). I cherish the openness and trust we had.  I miss us cooking together, when he would actually stay with me in the kitchen when I cook and help out, or when I taught him how to bake toffee cake.

I hated saying goodbye because I always cried and each time I do this, he would hold me in his arms, kiss away my tears and assure me that he will see me  soon and apparently my tears taste great ( lol.. weirdo)..  (I miss the times  he would  look  into my eyes and just smile) and I miss the nicknames, one of my favourite  pet name was  " fine fine jawline all mine"  and  pringles cos I like pringles. he was really cool.  One more thing I cherish the countless of times I  fed him rice and chicken and I meant spoon feeding him(Yuck face I know, but I like it and  he loves rice.....). I have beautiful memories of HIM. I really do and I am grateful for that.
Do I think life is unfair? Nope, life is a learning curve.
Do I think I will feel love for someone again? Possibly but am not ready now.
Will I ever be ready? Nope, but I know I will end up with a really awesome dude (winks).
Do I think love is a gift? YES.
What do I miss about US? The Friendship.  it was really cool... I could pour my heart like my innermost thoughts and not feel judged and he was honest and I am happy I got to see his  vulnerability (For a guy to show his  vulnerable side is rare,  I think).
Do I think he really cared about me? YES
Do I think he was confused? YES,  at the time he didn't know what he wanted.
Do I think he will learn from the situation? Most likely,  I can't tell but he does seem like someone that learns from mistakes.
Have I learnt anything from this experience? Yes, I am alot wiser, calmer, rational and simple. well I like to think so. I expect less from people now, in fact I do not have any expectations at all even though my subconscious mind will. I AM NOT.
Do I think God allowed this? Maybe he did or maybe not, I know I prayed about the whole thing before and after  but  I know God knows whats best for me.
Do I question  God judgments? Yes, but have learnt to deal with it and move ON.
Do I think God taught me through experience? Nope, I allowed myself to be taught through this experience by being humble through the grace of God.
Do I feel complete with God in my life? Yes and No. Yes because I allow myself to be completed with the grace of God and No because  God can only do what we want him to do. So if I allow myself to be completed by God then this is the case (ok, quite a complicated answer there, but in a nutshell I allow myself to be complete if I open my heart).
How am I now? I am in a better place, am happy, I am learning and developing and I can say have moved ON. Yes, I miss him every now and then but its whatever you learn to deal with what you cant have and what you have. Now I have me and my future so am dealing with my life.

Overall do I have any advice for anyone that is hurting or has been hurt before or about to be hurt. I can only say enjoy the experience and learn as much as you can. If you want to believe God will help you, you have to be ready to admit you need help and the help of God  will only happen with your cooperation but its hurts less when God grace is present or should I say you are able to heal thoroughly in all aspects. So, don't worry no matter what happens we are all suppose to learn one thing or two about life.

This is it my friends, I have nothing really deep to say other than I have learnt so much  and I have come along in understanding that  not everything in life has an answer so deal with what you have and MOVE ON.

I hope you are inspired (I tried). God bless you if you believe and if you do not (well .... errm I guess whatever you believe bless you).

God is love, love yourself and love on others......  This bruno Mars song says it all.. change the her to  HIM and girl to BOY..... I felt like that... When I see your face, there is not a thing I will change, cos You are AMAZING just the way you. YOUR SMILE....

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