Feeling Better

Hi People,

I know I wrote in my last post I was very much emotional and hurting. But I am feeling much better now. I am loving these songs.....

P.S. Thank you to Myne and TLR for checking on me. God bless you both..

                                                       MaryMary ~ I 'm walking......

Hillsong: This is how we OVERCOME.....

I HATE PAIN

Hello bloggers,

I guess I have nothing  encouraging to write about today. But I have being  feeling sad lately and hurt. The pain I felt in the break-up is all coming back (you would have to read the three posts I did on it). I hate pain so much but I can't shake the feeling.

I am so praying that God will give me grace and strength to shake it off.

This song sums up how I feel right about now.

My thoughts on Life......

Hello World,

Waving with love.......

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on life and understanding.

So here are some random FACTS I have come to know about life.


1)  I have come to embrace the notion of  experience is the only TEACHER  and development is the greatest TEXT BOOK (i made the last development part up. lol).
Experiences are supposed  to provide you with valuable lessons that will empower you in all you do in life. It is meant to be stepping stones.
With experiences comes development. Development shows the depth of lessons you have learnt and implemented and it all  reflects in your level of understanding and wisdom.
Maturity does not come with AGE..... IT COMES WITH SO MUCH MORE.
IF YOU THINK U ARE THERE... THINK AGAIN. COS U ARE PROBABLY NO WHERE NEAR.

2)Living for the moment is good, but it can be costly when you live for the moment and make the worse decisions during that time. You will be surprised how living for the moment becomes living through the NIGHTMARES. Just saying think think think BEFORE YOU ACT.

3)The World does not stop for you,  but you wait on the world. In essence, when you have children, get married, get a job, you die, or lose someone etc. The World does not STOP for you and feel your pain or joy.  Although, when things happen to us the world will show a fraction of attention but they will not wait on you and stop for you. When you celebrate they do it with you, when you mourn, they will mourn with you. But at the end of the day, everyone goes their separate ways and you will wait on the world i.e. time and you will stop for the world i..e reflection.  The last time you checked, a friend was over,  you jammed, played, caught up on life. But they are now off doing their own thing and now You are now alone, waiting and  facing the world.

4) Understanding is key to not bother with people that are not significant. When you understand some people are just WRONG for you. You will learn to never bother yourself with them even when they are in your face. You simply carry on LIVING.  What I mean is (when you understand some people are programmed in  a certain way, you should  deal with it and not bother, if you are bothered,  you are yet to understand that they will never get YOU).

5) LOVE is EASY to say and claim. What is not EASY is when actions begs to differ than WORDS. You say you love me yet you NEVER think good of me. You say you LOVE me yet you never try to believe in me. You say you LOVE me yet you are not prepared to go the extra mile. You say you LOVE me but you are afraid to trust me. You say you LOVE me but you cannot see your actions are hurting me. You say you LOVE me yet, you are not prepared to be HUMBLE. YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME YET YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME.

6)Everything comes and goes. LIFE, MONEY, HOUSES, CARS, JOBS, PARTNERS, CHILDREN, DEGREE, LOVE etc. Everything in life comes and goes and nothing is permanent. MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY Stage. You can never go BACK. Remember just like IT came, IT  will leave.

7)Honesty is the best policy. It is starts with YOU. If you cannot admit to yourself that you have issues and it must be dealt with. How can you be honest with another person or about another person.It is an ILLUSION if you think you can be honest with somebody without starting with yourself..............

8) Life can be mean sometimes but it does not give you the right to be mean to another person. Being mean creates a circle that never stops. So when someone is mean is to you, try to not be mean to someone else. The other person is not the problem.

9) Not everything in life has  answers. You have to learn to deal with that. It is painful but what is the point of wasting time looking for the answer you will NEVER find. Better to channel ones energy towards a productive course.

10) There is nothing such as bad people or good people. People either have a polluted/evil mindset that transcends to their character or they have clean/clear mindset. We all make mistakes and do wrong, so if I can do wrong what makes me good? I guess the answer to the question is nothing makes us good because we all do wrong no matter how insignificant. WRONG IS WRONG.

11) I am a nice person, I really am  (always having good motives, that what nice means to me). Sometimes, some  people take advantage of that but will I change. No, I cant, I tried but I cant be mean. WHY: I am nice. There is no two way about it you are either a nice person or not. So, when next you find out someone thinks you are fool for being nice. Its ok, you are probably a fool for being nice, but there is nothing wrong being a FOOL that actually knows they are genuinely  nice and they know people will take advantage of it. It just goes to show you are who you are and NEVER change for anybody. (Although, there is a difference between nice and stupid. lol.).

12)PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE. Just when you think you have met someone that is different, it turns out they are no better. Shame really, because you should known never to have expectations. Just have an open-mind. It could go either way.

Finally, everything in Life happens in Stages even when it all happens fast.. Watch and Learn. Life in Stages..

LOL.. am done now. Feel free to comment..

God is love, love yourself and others too..

Pls stay tuned for another enlightened story....(its is gonna be epic, ok let me not jinx it ohhh)..

Sense of Understanding.... (Last series). lol.

Hi People,

I apologise for not getting back earlier I had some drama in my life (but will probably blog about that sometime later).

Thank you to all that read my blog and writings I know am not the bestest writer but thanks for reading  and following me. I appreciate it.

I am intending on completing what I started i.e. the story I have been telling over the past two months or so.

Sense of Understanding is a summary on how I have coped with the whole situation and what I have learnt during  and after all  that has  happened between me and HIM.

Sadly, we did break it off and it happened in November  2010. Basically, He spoke with his mum and told his mum everything and his mum said he should to go with his Gut feeling and that what he did.
According to him he believes "us" going our separate ways was the will of God and he is at peace with it.

Boi, was it HARD.... it is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with till date even the killing Malaria I had in 1997 does not top this pain. Well, we talked after that, but I was too angry to understand, I was to angry to see the point. I was angry because I felt he did not care, I was angry because I let my guards my down, I was angry because I genuinely was into him, I was angry because I thought he was the ONE. I was angry because I actually saw myself with him. I was angry, bitter, sick, everything. Christmas in my house was like nothing. I could not eat, or laugh. I never knew what it felt to be emotional sick or broken until that event.I must say I felt a part of me died. It was that horrible.

So, we sort of talked during December 2010, but it was not the same, I blamed him for being a coward and not fighting for us like he promised. But all in all, I knew it was over.
I blocked him off  FACEBOOK, SKYPE, MY PHONE, DELETED ALL THE BEAUTIFUL PICTURES even the nice video I made for him. I had to get rid of him. But it was not about the physical things.

It was my mental state too, I needed to purge him and boi it was not easy, He was a really cool guy. When I remember us I would break down. I cant describe the feeling I felt but I knew I was sick emotionally, I was not happy and I could not smile. I had to pray him out, in January 2011,  I remember saying God if you are real and you see me now, pls just take away this feeling (I called  it emotional cancer, it seemed to sap  away every form of joy, happiness and peace) from my spirit. The  core of my spirit was hurting and I could feel it, the inner part of me (it is really weird but imagine an onion that has many layers but deep in the circle there is a maggot or something nasty growing inside there, you cant see it but once you  begin to peel it layers, you will eventually see it). God answered and  I started to feel better, not healed but better as in my spirit felt better. I myself needed to heal and needed to let go and stop regretting or blaming anyone.  It was a gradual process,  I had to accept it was OVER as in over he is not coming back and  going on his knees to apologies(all the daydreams mehn). Well, I then had to re-programme my mind that it we were not meant to be (It was really long). I then had to forgive him (I had to forgive him because I need my healing and being upset at him was doing me no good).

Afterwards, I had to forgive myself (that took forever), I am my own worst/best critic and nobody can critic me more than me (I see alot of my flaws and I hate failing). So, Yes I felt like a failure, I felt like a failure because I should have known better. I should have shielded myself, I should being extra cautious, I should have guarded my heart with strong iron bars, I should known that it was too good to be true. I felt I should have been prepared  to deal with the situation in a matured way. I was wrong, ( I felt vulnerable, I felt like a child, everyday I had to learn to let go). It was just horrible but I learnt loads.

Gradually, I began to learn to let go with the help of God and I became strong. I began to understand that what does not kill you makes you stronger. I began to understand that experience is the only teacher, I began to understand humans are resilient and we go through tough times but we can bounce. I began to understand that life is full of surprises and that each learning experiences is building you up for another challenge ahead. I began to understand I was not the failure, he was not the failure, nobody is a failure. It is what it is. No explanation, yes there were  contriburuty factors such as maturity, sense of self, understanding etc. But whatever will happen, will happen  no matter what you do. I began to understand life in itself is complex and we try to understand it but we can only try. I began to understand that I am stronger than I thought and I would be a testimony from this.

My point is am still understanding alot of things, I am still understanding how to cope with certain things but I know everything is a learning process.

But I wont deny these questions:

Do I miss him? YES.
Do I think about him? For a while I did not, but lately I have been.
Do I want him to come back? To be honest Not sure..
Will I say YES if he comes back for me? I dont know...time will tell
Do I wish him well? YES.
Will I be happy if he gets with someone else? YES (why should I be mad or jealous).
Do you I still like Him? YES as a person.
What are my best memories? (i like the way he pretends to be a  child and acts like one of my Sunday school children (I am Sunday school teacher). I like it when I have to calm him down  when is upset or being cheeky,  I like it  when he  calls me by my  full name or when he pretends to be my DAD and tells me  off or when he tells jokes that are not funny but I laugh because he is so sweet or when he preaches about the bible and we pray together. I like it  when he apologies and he actually admits he was  wrong and I cherish the times  he  would actually tell me his going to eat with his family at the  dinner table (so sweet). I cherish the times he tries to speak in Nigerian accent or speak in yoruba (he is  rubbish). I cherish the openness and trust we had.  I miss us cooking together, when he would actually stay with me in the kitchen when I cook and help out, or when I taught him how to bake toffee cake.

I hated saying goodbye because I always cried and each time I do this, he would hold me in his arms, kiss away my tears and assure me that he will see me  soon and apparently my tears taste great ( lol.. weirdo)..  (I miss the times  he would  look  into my eyes and just smile) and I miss the nicknames, one of my favourite  pet name was  " fine fine jawline all mine"  and  pringles cos I like pringles. he was really cool.  One more thing I cherish the countless of times I  fed him rice and chicken and I meant spoon feeding him(Yuck face I know, but I like it and  he loves rice.....). I have beautiful memories of HIM. I really do and I am grateful for that.
Do I think life is unfair? Nope, life is a learning curve.
Do I think I will feel love for someone again? Possibly but am not ready now.
Will I ever be ready? Nope, but I know I will end up with a really awesome dude (winks).
Do I think love is a gift? YES.
What do I miss about US? The Friendship.  it was really cool... I could pour my heart like my innermost thoughts and not feel judged and he was honest and I am happy I got to see his  vulnerability (For a guy to show his  vulnerable side is rare,  I think).
Do I think he really cared about me? YES
Do I think he was confused? YES,  at the time he didn't know what he wanted.
Do I think he will learn from the situation? Most likely,  I can't tell but he does seem like someone that learns from mistakes.
Have I learnt anything from this experience? Yes, I am alot wiser, calmer, rational and simple. well I like to think so. I expect less from people now, in fact I do not have any expectations at all even though my subconscious mind will. I AM NOT.
Do I think God allowed this? Maybe he did or maybe not, I know I prayed about the whole thing before and after  but  I know God knows whats best for me.
Do I question  God judgments? Yes, but have learnt to deal with it and move ON.
Do I think God taught me through experience? Nope, I allowed myself to be taught through this experience by being humble through the grace of God.
Do I feel complete with God in my life? Yes and No. Yes because I allow myself to be completed with the grace of God and No because  God can only do what we want him to do. So if I allow myself to be completed by God then this is the case (ok, quite a complicated answer there, but in a nutshell I allow myself to be complete if I open my heart).
How am I now? I am in a better place, am happy, I am learning and developing and I can say have moved ON. Yes, I miss him every now and then but its whatever you learn to deal with what you cant have and what you have. Now I have me and my future so am dealing with my life.

Overall do I have any advice for anyone that is hurting or has been hurt before or about to be hurt. I can only say enjoy the experience and learn as much as you can. If you want to believe God will help you, you have to be ready to admit you need help and the help of God  will only happen with your cooperation but its hurts less when God grace is present or should I say you are able to heal thoroughly in all aspects. So, don't worry no matter what happens we are all suppose to learn one thing or two about life.

This is it my friends, I have nothing really deep to say other than I have learnt so much  and I have come along in understanding that  not everything in life has an answer so deal with what you have and MOVE ON.

I hope you are inspired (I tried). God bless you if you believe and if you do not (well .... errm I guess whatever you believe bless you).

God is love, love yourself and love on others......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk  This bruno Mars song says it all.. change the her to  HIM and girl to BOY..... I felt like that... When I see your face, there is not a thing I will change, cos You are AMAZING just the way you. YOUR SMILE....

Sense of Maturity....... part of the series of Sense of Failure.

Hello Everyone,

I hope you are fantastic and things are going well and even better. If nothing is going well now, trust and believe it will work out for  your good(I join my faith with you)..

I am here to (hopefully complete the part of the series).

Please enjoy reading...

Note: the first part of the series you can access here http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.com/2011/10/sense-of-failure.html.

This was it for me, I meant meeting the HIM.. Lets call d guy HIM... I met him through a friend and we got talking. Now before we started talking I sort of knew about him and his love for God, but through a friend because of Bible Study. Fast forward to  December 2011, I was going on skype for the first time and so was my friend. We decided to put on out on our fb status for friends to add us, so she put hers on  and "HIM" added her. We were chatting on skype when she mentioned  HIM added her and she was excited friends were adding her. Me on other hand, didnt seem to have many people adding me (sads face lol). So, I was like who is "HIM" and she was like the dude that helped with bible study etc... I recalled "HIM" and I was like (yes me and my mouth)  suggest "HIM" to me. She asked "HIM" and he was like am shy  and she told me and  I am like why is he shy... Anywhoo "HIM" added me on skype and we got talking (talk about being confident and forward, I am, TRUST me, I will take charge anyday. Am I learning to back down? YES but I am still learning)..

At first it was exchanging pleasantries and started asking about family etc. It was pretty cool, we got on well and the next day or so was supposed to be his DAD Bday. Nevertheless, the convo was really nice (am deep so when people go deep mehn am like so super excited).. I was super excited and wanted to talk again so we planned to meet up again, n again, n again n again n again on SKYPE of course(power of the internet heheh). Through all this in my head I was thinking chia mehn he fits pretty much everything ohh.. (He loves G.O.D, he has a relationship with him, he actually understands the BIBLE, He is family oriented, he is respectful, he is charming, he is cool, he is curious like me, he is caring, he is humble, he is sweet, he is FINEEEEEEE, He is tall (lol.... vain). On a serious note, he has good education, he is well-mannered, very articulate, lawyer by profession,  he is AMBITIOUS, health conscious, prayerful, he is young too (I can only do 2-3 years of age gap, so he fitted perfectly. Everything was tick, tick in my book, boi, but I was like that because I asked God for my HUSBAND to come at the time so YES, I was wearing the analysis HAT..). Meeting him in person was awesome too, his smile was so infectious... I loved his smile (I love  guys that have nice smiles and actually can smile and do smile and smile not just with people they are with but smile all through).

Feelings were getting deeper (ofcourse) and @ this point my friend was nagging me to find out what is going on and if he is taking to this to another level. If he is the One..and etc. I knew we spent quite alot of time together on phone, skype etc. I remember going to see my Pastor in January 2010 and telling him about this "HIM". He asked me if was a christian,if he had a job etc. No, he did not have a job so pastor what asked what  he was doing, "I said he is doing his masters, the job market is tough". Anyways, he gave me advice that he needs to have a job and maturity does not come with age, so in essence, if I feel ready. He didn't mention go and seek the Lord face, (but said, do not get over yourself, it is likely this dude might not be the ONE). He told me how he met his wife and said God did not tell me this is your wife (Even though God told his wife, he just wrote down the qualities of what he wanted in a wife and compared to her qualities and other potential in life at the time). Cut long story short.. In April 2010, we both decided to enter a relationship for real and take things slow. At this point, "HIM" was saying he is convicted am his wife...

We did and it was awesome.......... it was wonderful.. I have always wanted a relationship where it was not self centered around physical passion i.e. kissing, foul play, sex etc. I just wanted it about us just US...and our inner beauty and God too. Was it tough not to engage in physical (u know what I mean). Nope it was not for me (though I was very attracted him both physically, spiritually and intellectually. However, when you learn to subject your flesh into submission you just simply carry on with grace), But for him..was it "I would say sorta but he did say he renewed his mind and respected me and my values not to violate me or take advantage or  disrespect his role in my life (I commend him for that).

Rewind 2 half years before, I had to tell myself that there has to be a guy out here that is willing to wait till the declaration of Husband and Wife before we starts the main business (this is because everyone around including some of my christian sis and bros were sexually active in their relationships, but I didn't want that).  (why: I see life in an angle of fairness, I am not ready to play any role such as giving you my precious body not even under the word love. For you to come inside me and explore my beauty that is  me trusting you into my world and my life and believing am doing the right thing and giving you a gift that is special to me). I don't think any man deserves that gift until he is BOLD enough to make the right sacrifices in the right places. Does this mean he needs to earn it. No, it does not to earn anything. All HE NEEDS to know is and be diligent to is, he has a role to play in my life and should play it well and that means respecting my values. abeg, do not mess me up for another person, Besides,  he should already know what HE WANTS i.e. abstaining  from sexual immorality and should stick with it...

NOTE: you are your biggest fear and temptation, if you know why you do not want to do something, its most likely you will say NO or at least back off or if anything do things right next time when you mess up.

HIM had his reasons (Apart from dishonoring GOD)he wanted to do things differently and not focus on the physical.. Anyway I do not hold on to words, but his actions was speaking louder than words. No he did not even try stuff and as in talking about feeling comfortable.. I was comfortable around him all day (comfortable for me means, not thinking that he would try anything stupid and constantly watching his moves to react).

But, it was not long until the doubts came, and they poured hard into my spirit.. it started with he is not Yoruba so how will you cope.. ok so he is not from my tribe thats fine. I can deal with it. The others came too "what if he is not the One God is preparing for you". I am like but everything fits right like a glove or a jigsaw.
The doubts  did not stop, it just came one after the other, the more I combated the doubts the stronger they became.I just kept feeling that "I should break up with HIM". The feelings I had to fight,  asking if this was God or the Devil. I remember telling him and we talked, we prayed and I also  told my Pastor's wife (two other pastors with different opinions, most importantly I told God).

I was really praying for a sign but nothing was coming through or maybe it did and I just could not see it. All I knew was, I was not at peace. It was a real battle. I could not take it, I had to go on a break.
I felt it with in me to take a break and I suggested we went on 3 months communication break apart from texting, it was difficult ( as we were  both emotionally attached) but we  did go on  a break for a month or less thinking it was just the fact I was spending more and more time  with US and less time with God.
During the break,  I was at peace as in felt stronger etc, but we started talking again and again, we broke the break.. lol. well more like I had to talk to him about something important and ended up not going back to the break.

Until  the 4th of November 2010, we were fine, praying things through and just not rushing things i.e. marriage talks, children talks etc. However, this particular day  he was adamant he wanted a sign from God he needed a sign infact, he craved for sign from God to let him know am his WIFE... Ok, he had been saying this for a while like he needed a sign but this time around he was really adamant. Mainly because he is ibo and his parents are abit effy around Yoruba (I have met them, he introduced me to them during the YAM Festival as a friend, which I was cool with.  His father and I went to the same school, MAYFLOWER, so there was abit of convo)...He was nice to me and very friendly (he did mention his dad was nicer than his mum, considering they are only 3 boys, his mum is incredibly protective). He also thinks the fact am raised by a single mum is an issue, as he always wanted a lady with both parents, you get the drifts...

Back to November 2010, his parents happened to ask HIM more about me (thinking he met me at his Uni and I was one of the international students that came abroad to study, but he told them that am I from here and I live with my sis and mum and she is a single parent). Apparently, their reaction was not positive, so he was even more ADAMANT about getting a word..(When I say detest the concept of getting a word or receiving a word and I am being honest, cos it was that one thing that ruled over our lives and could be that very thing that would save us......

I have to continue next time..

Thanks for reading...

God is love, love on yourself and others too...

xXx.

Sense Of Failure

Hello People of the World,

My Blogville family and I hope each and everyone of you is great and all is well. I pray whatever is going not right for you at the moment will work out for your good. I also pray that whatever is going well right now will remain permanent even better each day. AMEN.

So, I have not blogged in a way while. Why: I just didn't know what to blog about really, it took a while and I am glad the Holy Spirit inspired me.

Yes, I am here to simply discuss certain aspects regarding the concept of failure or the idea of failing.

 According to Oxford dictionary: Failure means not being able to do something. It also said to FAIL   means trying to do something but be unable to do it or to become weak or useless. It also  means not being successful at something e.g. in an examination.

Lets take another definition: Dictionary.com says "an act or instance of failing  or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure."(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/failure).

Finally, my last definition is taken from The free Dictionary which states "the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends"(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/failure).

To be honest, I am not here to expand on their definition or try to base my understanding of failure on some of the definitions provided. I have simply included them,  as a base of reference point and to provide  a general overview of what I intend to discuss. However, I guess I could agree with some of the definitions e.g.the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends"(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/failure). (I will explain in detail why I agree with this definition later on).

Back to the purpose of writing this topic. I have aspects of what I consider as  sense of failure. Bearing in mind I do not think failure is a negative thing. In fact it is one the best reasons we humans have been able to come up with incredible ideas. This is because when we fail at something some of us try other methods and find that other alternatives are better and  produce incredible results than the first. Failure is what you make it and how you intending on using it.

I have few aspects to what I think contributes to the sense of failure.
a) The application of ideas and methods that failed for some but worked for others. E.g. learning how to drive and passing your test straight way will depend on how you have been taught and how you have applied the concepts. If for instance, you had a good driving lesson but failed your PRACTICAL TEST it could be that the method your driving instructor gave was not the right one for you or the method you applied was the wrong one and it failed  (This is a generic example).

b)The sense of assuming you are ready and well prepared for something but in fact you are not near ready. Notice the word ASSUME. I say this because preparation is something that most of us think we know and are prepared enough but in reality we are NO where near preparation. For instance, take a story of contestants that feel their are ready to live up the big dreams but they are knocked out at the first hurdle because they fail to prepare hard enough. Preparation does take time, however sometime some  go and come back and they realise that knock out or disappointment  brought out the best in them.

c) The external influences or factors that has contributed and affected or facilitated  the sense of failure. In most cases, we have no control over.

Lack of experience and knowledge and basic understanding. This is in fact MATURITY, sometimes we fail because we lack maturity and believe the option we are taking right now is the best.  Thus,  sometimes we fail to consider other factors.

I know there are other considerable factors that affects failure that I have not mentioned here. But, trust me to say these are my own typical underlying principles of sense of failure that occurred in my life. I believe they all can be applied differently to different aspects of our lives. Ultimately, some of the factors mentioned above  are what I have experienced in my life and I have learnt so much and grown.

I want to take you on a journey on my life, sounds weird lol. But, on a serious note,  I want share some aspects of my life with you (well maybe a particular aspect to be precise).

Rewind to when I was Sixteen,  couple of my friends were already dating, even doing the big stuff i.e. kissing, sex etc. (No longer a big deal in this age). But, it was back then I guess. Most of the female I knew back then  were mostly about boys but for some it was about boys but not  all about boys. I say not all because fashion, music, peer pressure were also in the picture but not much education though. So, here I am excited to start College and my friends are asking me "Do you have a Boyfriend" I am like ermmm Yes. Truth is, I don't have a boyfriend and I didnt want to say No because I did not want to be seen as not part of the big girls doing big things. To be honest, its a mental thing as in who cares if you do not have boyfriend and I wish I said No and stuck to my guns. And if they were to look at me funny or thought funny or said anything stupid , I  wish my response would have been am not dictated by society standard or trends,  boys do not define my life(that would have been epic an answer mehn.. ohh well I did not say that).

 Nevertheless, I am sure as at some point they knew I was talking gibberish because the so called Dude I called my boyfriend was a guy I did not like but sort of kissed and in my head we are in a relationship so to speak. Although, we went to the same college, I think it became apparent he was not interested and if at all he was, he wanted only one thing. I so thank my God I did not get rapped up in his world or anyone else world. Moving on, I carried on with the flow of being with friends and watching them link up with various dudes every now and then.  Prior to moving abroad, I spent my semi teenage years  in Nigeria despite the fact girls liked guys and they liked us, most of us would not dare to enter a relationship (we talking 12,13, 14 age-range). Some were bold enough to move to ladies  and some didn't have the balls and if they did, the ladies were strong to say NO and played  hard to get. Hence, the shift of my mentality abroad was quite a  struggle,  I had to get used to how people viewed life or applied knowledge. Having a dude at the time was a big deal (well in my era or during my time but  not a very long time away though lol).

 When I actually did get into a relationship I was not interested because I knew I was not ready and did not want to make a fool of myself.

Interestingly, there is an aspect or a character I love about me, I like to take calculated risks or should I say I like watching my back alot and making sure I know where something is heading before I put myself in it. Due to this character I am able to get out of situation faster before you say "No can do". I am able to see what the other person "cannot see" or "does not see" or "refuses see" or "sees but fails to acknowledge" (a lot is in it.lol). I am a firm believer of "know what you want before committing yourself". This is exactly why I had to avoid relationships I knew what I wanted was different from what he would want. There is no point fooling myself that it will all work out  in the end, because working it out does not guarantee me happiness or joy. I guess I could possibly fool myself and say it can work  out, obviously investing all my strength and finding myself living with loads of regrets later on. As  I did not want that for myself I back out either earlier or in the middle.

 Compared to my peers(at the time),  I was not relationship driven, I was so much more i.e. commitment, life-time goals, maturity, readiness, willingness etc. All these and more is what I was looking for. At 19, I already made a decision with God not to be involved with anyone apart from the bone of my bone. So, I began praying, praying that he should have great characters and God should bless him, uplift him etc. In fact, this is an example of my prayer line " Lord please, he has to be humble, if he is not, please make him humble".  I also knew if I wanted an humble Husband I needed to be humble myself. Hence, I began to learn how to be humble, accepting wrong doings, apologizing whether in the wrong or not, not keeping malice etc (through the help of the Holy Spirit). I also knew I wanted someone that was on passion for God and God was the center of their world (Not religious though and obsessive). I know am in love with God (its hard to explain but I will try, you see if you open your heart just a fraction, REALLY GO DEEP. YOU WILL SEE HOW AMAZING GOD is).

Yes, he had to be a good cook, CONFIDENT, someone that was not materialistic (Yes, you can own assets, properties  and many things and not be materialistic or conscious about material things). I knew I had a lot to live up to,  I was never one for he has to have a car, buy a house or  ready made. I am not bothered. WHY: Cars will come, houses will come,  money will come so, my focus was the foundation.

As long as the foundation is right not just Godly but he is focused am focused, he is down for us as in both of us and our future then we will make it HAPPEN. I know this for a FACT. So, yes I was bigging  building up my prayer bank. The interesting thing was, I wanted to get married young and knew that from a relatively  young age. I wanted to get married at 24, and these were  my rationale behind it.
 First of all, I wanted to have the time to build my marriage and know what is like. b) I wanted to be part of his life every step of the way and look back to see how we started and how far we have come. c) I knew I had so much in me to give and so much to receive in return and seeing that I am young, my energy level is rocket high so am able to invests all the hard work. d) I am incredibly AMBITIOUS and  having our children early on will help us both to pursue  and follow our dreams head on. e) I intend on keeping myself for hubby and waiting forever cant be an easy task not by my power that is( I rely only on God ohhh). f)I wanted to have a young family. h)I wanted the struggles of making it as a couple to be combated  earlier  in the marriage. etc. Yes, these were  my ideologys' and I raised them all to KING and yes I told him to bring the main MAN i.e. HUBBY by the time am 21 or turn 21.

In December 2009, I met HIM or so I thought.

I will continue in the next series. Stay TUNED...

Thank you for reading.

God is love, love yourself and love on others.

Happy Smiles...

OUR LIFE, OUR STORY, OUR JOURNEY 2...............

Hi People of the Earth, aka blogsville family,

Waving with love.....

I am determined to complete the story despite(my tired sleepy self, but a Deal is a deal....).

So in 1997, I got the letter of redundancy and the first thought that popped in my head was this is not ordinary, but then again most people were being made redundant around the Organisation at the time. The other thought that came to mind was maybe its time to end this life. I hate to admit it, but I was tempted to visit the Lagos Island river many times to do a jump. But, the beautiful faces of my girls held me back.

As I decided to let God take control, I proceeded with other options available i.e. travelling abroad and making my dreams come true for my girls. Although, at this time, my Husband was not around, I did my best to relocate the children to a much closer City, and we also moved house. Thank God for that.

I used my savings to fund my children education into Secondary School and still pursing my abroad dream, I realized I could not do it by myself anymore. I needed God support, I needed him to show me the way. It was until then, my husband that had abandoned us came back into our lives. Yes, he was trying to patch things together... I couldn't figure out which was bad that he had four children with the other Lady or it was the worst decision I made in my life  to marry such a Man..

Nevertheless, he was the one God used to support me with my travelling documents which I had to pray fervently to God for directions.
Upon getting to abroad to stay with an old friend, I made sure my children had enough financial support and help. I arrived to stay with a friend of mine who once lived with me in Nigeria, but the pleasantries that I expected were only from my side. I thought I had met wicked when I was in Nigeria then,I just got married and I remember a tenant that I took as a friend. It turned out she was not of God, and Yes, she attacked me spiritually for a cause I am yet to find explanation for. To think of it,   was it the fact I caught my husband in her room or was it because I didn't allow her to carry my child. All I know is, she attacked me, sent thieves around my house in the middle of the Night with my girls there, and then proceeded to attack spiritually too. But I thank for his mercies and protection.

So, it was as if this my friend abroad had it in for me big time, always complaining, mourning, insulting etc. She did welcome me for the first day, but few days later she showed me her true self or should I say her wicked and heartless self. I tried getting a job and for first few months I stayed with her I got the worst insults, shame, abuse even in front of her kids. This was someone that knew my situation and knew what I had been through and how I was still trying to make something out of myself. And No, I didn't sit around all day doing nothing, how can I?? I worked in the Bank for almost 20 years serving the customers, managers, investors etc. I worked all my life, I cannot be lazy and  I do not know how to be Lazy. Eventhough, my Husband knew this and laughed at me and told me how much I was fooling myself going abroad to work. But, when I call home to speak with my children, they encourage me, they tell me "Mummy, it was not suppose to be easy, if it was easy then we will all have the same story but its meant to be tough and challenging.  However, Mum you know you  will get through this. You have in the past, and you will in the future. Remember, the Lord is your strength and rely on him". Just hearing their voices and the words alone charged me up to try and keep trying.

I would say, Yes, I did the odd jobs, jobs I would shun and not look at. The odd jobs that are popular for people abroad to sometimes do... cleaning, carework, security guards etc. I thank God, I was able to save enough to go back home.

On getting home, I met my children and I was glad to see them, but I was told one of them was kidnapped, my heart flew straight out of my mouth. To say I was perplexed was an understatement, just that moment in time, I said to myself I will never leave my Children ever again. I cannot trust anyone with my girls no way.. I am grateful to God that none were raped or used for something even beyond my imagination. To be funny, I felt one of my breast go weak as if I knew something was not right at home, this was of course while I was abroad. I am glad God answered my prayers and he made it possible.

I planned with my cousin to get an apartment together abroad and Yes we did. But, did he not show his true colours he did. He would switch of the gas, the TV, the fridge, everything.. At some point, he said I should take my girls back to their father that life would be less unbearable here. In addition, himself and couple of others said it was impossible for them to go to School, University or Graduate. Including my Husband their father said it. I stood strong knowing God was my strength and my word, and we persevered and its paid off.

There are many challenges, hurdles and some serious financial struggles but we got through in the end. Today, as I speak I am a Proud Mother of two beautiful Graduates. I am grateful that against all odds, I got to see them succeed  with my very own eyes. How awesome is that...

 Yes, my marriage did not work like I wanted it too, I tried my hardest but I am grateful I got two rare gems out of it. How GREAT is Our God.

I will encourage you today to hold on, don't ever stop believing God for what you want and for his will upon your life. I believe this testimony is for someone today to take courage and run the race. Your joy is coming...

NOTE:This is a true life story of my Mother written through me to encourage us and myself that God is a Miracle worker.

I have also inserted some awesome pics of myself and  awesome pic of my....... hmm guess who???...

Note: You are not allowed to copy any of these pictures without the authors/blog owner permission. It is illegal and certainly consider a theft.. God is watching you.. Watch..

God is love, love yourself and love on others.....

OUR LIFE, OUR STORY, OUR JOURNEY...............

Hello Blogsville (waving with enthusiasm and love),

I have missed blogging and sorry for the late one... As usual busy with stuff e.g. work.  So I am going to take you on a journey as usual and let you into my world this time. So lets GO..

This is my story, my very own testimony and my very own life. As a child growing up was not the best and I struggled alot, after moving from one relative to another, I knew within me this was not the life I want for my children nor will I give them anything less. Although, my mum tried to be there which she did, there was only so much she could do. My Dad left my mum when I was an infant so yes it was tough for a non-educated woman such as my mother to bring me up. However, she was determined that I would get access to education, hence she took me to my Dad relative thinking that was the best option. It was tough like I said earlier but I went through it knowing it would end someday.

Growing up, I was determined to make it and the hardwork paid off when  I joined one of the successful Banks in Nigeria "First Bank" in the early 80's and I made sure I did my best in my position. In my early twenties, I saved enough money and sent myself to the UK to study extra vocational  courses. It was actually a great experience and even though settling in the UK was a great option then, I had a great career back home with my mum constantly on my mind and I chose to go back. At the time, Nigeria was booming so there you go. I have always being astrong lady so when it came to settling down i.e. marriage I wanted to be sure of what I wanted.

I met my husband through my best friend fiance in 1985 and we became friends, got close and we went into a relationship. It was an average relationship which some women  generally assume the role of a wife which I did perfectly.. Even though, he didn't have a job at the time when we started out, I stuck by him and believed in him and contributed toward his living, feeding and clothing. At this point, I was in my early 30's with pressure of marriage constanly looming, and as a Nigeiran Lady, you would understand. I had an ultimatum, I had to be pregnant first before we could get married, and I must say getting preganant was not easy. I had my own share of fair troubles and I remeber saying to God if you bless with children I will make sure I do right by them always and be there for them. Yes, he did it, I got pregnant and we got married, a day after the marriage ceremony I had our first born. It was painful and long experience and as most mothers can relate but the joy of holding my baby cannot be comprehended. The pain immediately disappeared, our baby was beautiful and I was grateful to God everything went well and even better, including me giving birth safely.

I had been looking forward to a wonderful married life with my new husband and our baby girl and I was happy, excited and felt truly rewarded for the blessings God blessed me with. But it was not so, my expectations were immediately shattered  when I started having dreams that he left me and the children.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and tell him this. He would reassure me and tell me he would do no such thing. I was pregnant just after our baby girl was few months old and I was determined to keep this one as my husband suggested I should get rid of the baby. I was not going to allow him to dictate anything, after all I am the bread winner. Besides that point, I knew how much I badly wanted children. At around 16 months after our first baby girl, I had another wonderful baby girl and she was opposite of her elder sister (she was really quiet). And Yes, I actually wanted a boy and was praying for one, but I wouldn't change them for anything.  This time around, I hardly saw him around the house, infact he hardly came home. It was me, the children and my mother at home. At first, I didn't complain, whenever he came home, he would wake me up to make him food and all... I still wouldnt say anything, not that he bothered to ask about me and the children. He got a job in one of the successful companies in Nigeria and I was the one that fasted whilst expecting our second baby girl. Nevertheless, I did my role and carried out doing everyhting right. There were time he was there and times he was not.

But the deal breaker started when I started receiving letters at my work place from his girlfriend apparently he is following her and I should tell him to BACK OFF. To say I was disgusted was an understatement, this was someone that told me he lost his mother at a young age and has since learnt the hard way. Hence, he will be a steady husband and be a father to our children. But his actions were not matching up to his charming words, and YES I confronted him and what does he do, slap, kick and hit me infront of the children. Ok, so I dont complain about that to people  because domestic voilecne was major in our culture. Regardless, I carried on, but the stress, pain and everything started to take toll.

My youngest was only four when I heard about Mayflower. I had no choice as maids weren't constant, no family member available to care for the children and their well being. I had to enroll them in a Boarding School, and yes it was painful but I had to do it. It was a nice day, when I took both girls with my driver to the school and I was praying for them to pass and get in. I remember my youngest met Late Dr.Tai Solarin and she had no clue who he was. She ran to me and told me she met this old man and I was thinking in my head you met Dr. Tai Solarin and she thought it was nothing special, but she told me he was nice to her and am sure she can still recall their place of encounter.  Although, my children were in boarding house or boarding school, the stress did not stop there, I was carrying our third child so I thought.

 It was until after 10 months I knew this was not ordinary, and we went around looking for help. Doctors said they could not see the child through scan, it was a long turmoil where he was nowhere to be found. I was all alone apart from relatives that stood by me and kept on going around to ask for solutions regarding the problem. It was long hard months of about four years or less before the baby could be seen and the operation was sorted out. I almost lost my life, in fact I did but God directed the Doctor and he knew what to do. During the third pregnancy, I think our second child was about five plus, I knew I had to travel abroad and had to take my babies with me. Although the cause of the delayed pregnancy was told to be a spiritual attack I am thankful to GOD that he sorted me out and provided the means to do so. At this point, I had not seen my children for two long summers during the Holidays.When I eventually saw them, they didn't want to come near me and were even laughing at me, I looked ridiculous, they must have thought this was not their mother and I cannot blame them. I could not recognize myself too.

 I had been so sick, stressed, in pain and during this time, I did not see HIM not even one hospital visit.When he  eventually saw me,  his words  were "What kind of woman are you"? they have tried everything and you are still here, ALIVE". I am grateful that I am, because I knew one thing I told God, no other woman will raise my children and take advantage of them. I refused to allow anything to happen to my children and God kept to his promise to keep me alive and I just kept holding on to his words.
I was healed and got better and just when I thought the hurdles had reduced, our first born fell seriously sick with abscess  and it was me running again like headless chicken going around and asking for directions from GOD to sort things out. Our second child fell sick with Malaria, it was me again doing all the work, just going around sorting things out. It was just so much and it was me and God fighting this battle. For years we did not see him, and when we did  see him, he would turn up randomly in the middle of the night to say he wants to see the children. I remember one night he showed up and he demanded to see the children, he came in and I told my girls not to say a word. Well, children can sometimes spoil your plan, just when I was telling him they weren't here and they were in school, my youngest decided to scream. He obviously knew I was lying at this point, he saw them and the youngest said "Dad we don't see you much and you don't pay us any visit and you don't pay our school fees". He took a playing stick and started hitting her telling her never to say such. I looked at him and I thought the cheek for you to do that and not feel ashamed. We both clearly knew she was telling the truth. My children were aware about  everything going with him because they ask questions and am sorry I won't lie to them.

All these and many more things were happening and he was not there, nor were his family. At time, I would sit back and think after all have done for you, this life is really really unpredictable.

It was until 1997, I knew Yes I was done for, I was made redundant at work and I could not comprehend how I will survive or do anything.

To be continued......

The rest of the story will be revealed in the next post... so stay tuned lol(that is so NTA, you would know this TV channel if you lived in Naijer).

Thank you for reading.

God is love, love yourself and others too.

Drive Out The Old MAN.....

Hello Bloggville...(Waving).

So, yes I actually haven't  gotten deep on this blog before (the time is coming, lol). Ok, today after church I have decided to share the preaching that was inspired by my Pastor.

The idea of this topic is to just enlighten us on our journey with salvation and our relationship with God.

So after receiving the word preached today, I will explain (through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) with a less altered version.

I would encourage us to have a Bible, a pen and paper to take notes if we want..

In general, the purpose of accepting Jesus as our personal saviour is that we  believe he died for all the sins of men and for us to receive eternal life. In addition, this propels us to be born-again in other to see the Kingdom of God. John 3:3. Thus, to be born -again is to accept we now have a new life with Jesus and our old ways are passed away.  2 Corithians 5:17.NKV "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new" This  was what Paul wrote in the Bible. So if this case, that after receiving Jesus in our hearts, our sinful ways which is the old ways of doing things without law, conscience or responsibility  is now all in the past. But yet, many of us are born again and our actions are still very much the old way, i.e. we still have not changed in any shape, way or form. In fact, there is no difference at all in our character, attitude, perception, mentality and relationship with God. People i.e. our friends or general people that know Us cannot say we have changed at all or tell that we have JESUS in our Lives..

The questions is why:

  THE OLD MAN IS NOT GONE, In fact if anything we are still negotiating with the Old MAN, still playing 50:50.  In essence, some of are still feeding our desires that is against the will of God for our lives, we still live a life of deceit, unfaithfulness, cruel, anger, wrath, disobedience, etc. We fail to repent and receive redemption. If in fact we do ask forgiveness we fail to practice a second chance of saying NO and putting repentance into actions and avoiding the things   JESUS hates and has encouraged us not to indulge in. WE KNOW right?

Accepting JESUS and being born-again does not mean the battle ends, that you automatically change or you miraculously become a changed person (something I have come to know with my relationship with God). As we are all aware any change takes a process, its takes  stages of different antidotes we are exposed to, to create a shift of mentality and attitude. Hence, Romans 6:6 encourages us that NKV: "Knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be one with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin."  Now, if this is what must of us believe why are we still struggling with sin, if we truly believe the old man has been crucified with JESUS and the body of sin is dead... Why do some of us with our born-again claim still refuse to leave our old habits or precisely still living in it.

Three reasons WHY:
1)We are yet to actually receive grace and power to renew our minds
2)We are yet to admit we are not living the life God has called us to live
3) We are yet to stop feeding the old man and making a decision to accept deliverance and maintain it.

Colossians Ch 3: 8, NKJ,  But now yourselves, are to put  off all: anger, wrath. malice, blasphemy, filthy language, out of your mouth... ". My question is : How often do we practice this??

Vs 9: "Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds". Vs 10 "And have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of  Him who created him". Another question, How much time do we spend with God and his word to gain strength and have knowledge of him and his love?

What is meant by the old man? The old man is that which dwells in us that makes us rebel against the will of God for our lives...Which is to live a sinful life without  confession of sins, repentance of actions and lack of cultivating a strong relationship with him to stand and conquer all that is negative..
In essence, the old man could be that thing that drives you away from experiencing the presence of God and to have a sincere heart with him.

Number 33:55 NKV, makes us understand that " But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it shall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides.  and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell." Note the word You, this suggest the responsibility lies on us to make a daily effort to drive out the old man. If we refuse to, we will reap the consequences. But, You and I both know we do not have to rely on our strength to do it or overcome,  there is grace, Mark 11-23-24.(simply google this).

Significantly, we need to understand that the the old man does not want to leave, inf act if anything it wants to grow and grow to kill the new man. But, you have responsibility to feed your soul, your spirit man to remain strong and say NO to the things that God rejects and it is not his will. I am still a work in progress, so you are not alone. Although, we are all at different stages in our lives and relationships with God, we should make effort to check ourselves and ensure we are living according to his will.

Ways  to Drive out  the Old Man.
1)1st Corithians Ch 5, Do not let the Old man negotiate with you, your flesh will negotiate with you, but you must stand firm,  believing the Lord God is your strength and you are doing it for a greater good.

2)Lets Kill the Old Man once and for all. Philippians 4:8. Whatever  things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report". We are encouraged to dwell on this things with a renewal of mind.

3) The application of the word of God and doing his word. We should not be hearers only, we should doers too. Mattew 13 (pls google it and read it all and let it minister to you).

4) You must also allow the Holy Spirit to help you. JOHN 16 (again google is there or you can simply grab your bible and please read it all).

In addition, you must not forget to allow God to reign in your heart, as JESUS encouraged us, when a man is delivered from an unclean spirit, he goes through dry places, seeking rest and find none... He says, he will return to the house which he came out from (Please read Matthew 12 vs 13 for the rest). Hence, the situation of a person is more worse than the first... God will continue to teach us.

Finally,  you will know your new man is growing when you begin to lose appetite in things you had pleasure doing and you cant bring yourself to do it any longer.

It can't be easy as we are all faced with different battles, challenges and situations but do not forget GOD is bigger than it all.

My mini testimony: I used to be a big malice keeper and I can make a decision  not to speak or say hello to people that offend me for years. Including my own mother and sister, it sounds funny we are close now. But, there was a time I was not a nice child to mum and I was quite a rebel.  But I am glad I am now longer that person, infact when people hurt me I will personally go and apologies and make peace. I cant stand malice FACT,  my SPIRIT rejects it.. I cant stand it,  even when the other party or person is in the wrong I will feel compel to make amends. I will tell you, that can only be GOD.

I also used to harbor alot of hatred and unforgivable, I was not happy child at all (in some cases, looking back around the age of 9 till about 11ish).  Back, then, I didn't even know how to smile, I was angry, went to bed angry, woke up angry and growing up in boarding school did not make things any better. Thus, people generally assume am a bully, but deep down, I was just confused I guess...

But I am no longer that person, I am not confuse, I still have my mouth ohh... (but I now you use it in a positive way, have actually forgotten how to insult except in a posh way.. lol). I smile every day and I am incredibly friendly (i like to think sha, I love making people laugh now, but I guess am more mature too and the spirit of God in me is more mature.. ) So, I am still work in progress but I have  come a long way to being who I am now and who I inspire to be... AMEN

SO.. pls feel free to drop anything on your mind and if you have any prayer point pls do not hesitate to let me know..

Am done Now.. Thanks for reading and stopping by.

God is LOVE, Love yourself and on others too..


Watch out for another inspiration story.. OUR LIFE, OUR STORY, OUR JOURNEY...... Be inspired.

Random Things......

Dear Readers,

How are you and I hope you had a fab weekend.
OK, so I decided to let you into my world in this post and I have always wanted to share random things. So, here we go.

1)As a child, I loved sniffing  my mum's armpit, I wouldn't go to bed without sniffing her armpit (Gross I know). It does not end there, I also loved sniffing my mum's clothes, as in it was so bad that I took one of her blouses to boarding house and I made sure I didnt wash the cloth lol (U dont want to know where we found it). Anyways, I stopped sniffing just last year, I sniffed my mum's clothes till I was a teenager and I started sniffinmy mine, mostly african wrapper sha. lol. Please laugh, and trust me people thought it was very weird,  to the extent it was suggested I needed deliverance.. people. Sha, I stopped cos I thought no way am taking this to my husband house. (Check this Scenario)
Hubby- Baby, lets get down on it...
Me-  "am like now, noo ohh  I want to sniff my wrapper..". Imagine that. lol

2)I hate okro, felt they choked me. When I was much younger I thought the black studs in plantain were insects. I would not eat it until it was all removed. In my younger days lol, I loved Fela and his music so much and I copied the ladies thus, I used to shake my bum to every tom, dick and harry ( ok, I EXAGGERATED abit). But, I would generally show this talent (so I thought), I would show this to people I generally like. So one day, I told this Uncle to carry him or lift me up rather, I was screaming and he said he wouldn't. Mum heard and decided to teach me some lessons. After the Hot  Spanks mehn I stop kia, kia -means fast....

3)I love smelling  powder and would go to the extent of tasting it or even it means chewing some... ( I am definitely weird).

4) I love toffee cakes and I love baking cakes and I can watch cartoons forever.

5) I love daydreaming, mehn I can daydreaming for a whole day and not get tired... As in never, all I need is my head functioning well and I go to places and create wonderful fantasises.... good ones though.

6)I am very close to my MUM, I am so close to my mum she knows everything about me. I tell her everything and she tells me everything. I am so close to her, we talk precisely everyday.

7) I love the camera, I am a picture freak... As in obsession type. I love posing and I love posing... lol

8) I am a documentary freak. If I have not mentioned well I am now... and if I have,  well I mentioning it again lol and I can read love novels..

9)Wore braces for 18months +  and I loved it... guess what colour they came in most times.... PURPLE..... I chose Purple... I miss my braces... (got teased with it and was called train tracks...).

Here are some Modelling/Posing  pics of me........

                                                            2011- Modelling

                                                                      2011

                                                         2009 Make-UP Shoot.. if u look closely, I was wearing BRACES.

2009- Make -Up Shoot  by Ara-make-up studious.

2011

2011.

2011

Brace face.... Make-Up Photo Shoot.

You are not allowed to copy any of these pictures without the permission of the Blogger/Owner. Doing this is illegal and unlawful...

Thank you and GOD BLESS......

Life in Stage ~ My Story~My Life~My Man Cont...4 Final Series.

Dear Readers,

I am back and I promise to relay the last of the series. I will then proceed to update you with other personal things in my life. YES, Some personal things lol. (Well, I am not promising it would be asap).

Please enjoy the final series of the story. Thank you.

I love my baby, my hubby, my soul mate, my friend, my companion, my crown, my best friend, my sweetest, my sugar plum plum, my earthly igwe, my earthly prince, my lawyer, my comedian, my mirror, my everything and more. Though it been 3 years since saying goodbye to Jonathan, I have gained alot in return, everyday I miss him like yesterday. I remember dancing to our first song and recalling what Jonathan said to me, "honey I will always be there and do right by you". He was, everyday he was always always there smiling, encouraging me and just being my friend.

Looking back on the journey with Jonathan and the prostrate cancer was not hard at all. Jonathan made it so easy for us, he told us all the most beautiful things even when he got the result and we felt the worst. He looked into my eyes and said we will beat this, we will beat this. I couldn't mutter any words and all I kept on doing was nodding my head. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe it so bad, but the doctor said the cancer had spread so much and there is little they can do. Even if he does undergo chemo there is no guarantee. Despite all, Jonathan still smiled, took my hand,went out and took all the family out on a dinner date, he made us all laugh and all I could do was remember those words he whispered to me on our wedding day.

We made a decision to tell the kids on a Sunday after a church service and we gathered in the sitting room, I knew I was suppose to be the strong one but all I did was hold my hubby's hand and watch him say those words to our beautiful children. They were all so shocked and asked all the questions, and Jonathan said well, if it is time to join my Lord then I guess it is. But, I will fight, I will fight, and I will fight this thing. I sat there numb and didn't say much, other than its time for lunch.

It was 3 weeks after telling the kids and you could tell they were scared of losing their best friend the man of the house. Jonathan had to tell me the things I did not want to hear or confront, he had to let me know he could go anytime soon. He was already getting weak, he had informed his work place and they were sympathetic and wanted to have a ceremony but he was getting too weak at this point. My baby said he wasn't taking any medications and that he was done with the chemo program. I tried to encourage him and he said, "baby, I have to live in peace without pain, I need to teach my boys to become the man they should be for their wives". I need to talk with my daughter to understand the qualities to look for in a man. If I stay here, I will be in agony and will not be able to teach them, love them and create wonderful memories to the ones we already have. I had no choice but to allow him  fulfil his wish.

He was given 3 months by the Doctor, and he made sure each day was memorable, he took the boys out and  spoke with them and gave them all his time. He also did that with our beautiful daughter. Two weeks before his departure, he sat me there. I was dreading it so badly, he woke up late in the afternoon  that day and he was incredibly weak, I could see his ribs, his bones were poking out (I hated that part). But he could still smile, he would still try to eat my food, crack jokes, praise God. He sat me there and went on his knees and smiled and said he was sorry, he was sorry that he couldn't do it all, he was sorry that he wouldnt see my wrinkles, he is sorry he wont go on holiday with me to Spain like we planned, he is sorry that he wont tickle me, he is sorry that he wont annoy me, he is sorry he wont hold my waist, he is sorry he wont  be in those occasions we went together, e.g. Nigeria Holiday, he is sorry he will miss the boys graduation, he is sorry he will not be there holding my head on his chest, he is sorry he wont be able to hold me his arms, he is sorry he wont buy my first walking stick (funny boy) and he is sorry that he got sick and didn't finish chemo and he is sorry that he didn't see us grow old together and finish this marriage race together. He just kept saying please forgive me, am sorry.

All I could do was cry, cry cry cry,cry, I didn't know what to say, I just knelt down and hugged him hard and wanting to speak but I could not. It was hard, it was hard watching my baby go, it was hard praying and getting angry at God and at the same time happy that he would see us through. It was not easy  many nights I would ask God why and and for healing, but God said it was time. I was so angry, how can it be time, this was not the plan? God said Jonathan wants to come home and I kept saying why would you want him to come home, why? God said that something Jonathan can answer.

I remember 3 days before his departure and me standing over his hospital bed, he had been there for a week. I asked him why he gave up and why he didn't allow God to heal him. He smiled and said, " baby, the love of my life, its my time". "I want to go".  I stood there, numb  how can you say that after all we have been through. He took my hand and said it is not you, it is not us, its not me. I guess, I feel like I have done my part and the rest is in his hands.

I looked at him and said my very last words he replied "Do not ever stop caring, do not stop being that wonderful Jonathan and always visit". I made sure he promised and he said he promised. That was it, he slept for 2 days and left on the third day.

To say it was hard is an understatement, to say I still do not hurt, is a lie, to say that I hate being in this position is a lie, to say I don't want  to give up is a lie. But, for some reason I find courage, I find courage from God, I find courage from our children, I find courage from what our marriage was about, I find courage from what we have achieved together, I find courage from our memories, I find courage from our testimonies together, I find courage from his values, his principles, his character. I look at everything and I am happy, am happy because he didn't leave us, he didn't stay away, he did his part and it was time.

I am happy that his children will become great, they will bear children that will make  positive impact and our generations will carry the genes of Jonathan and that makes me happy. That I would be part of history.
It is not easy to lose someone dear to you but you have to rise above the challenges no matter how hard, how unjust, how unfair, how sad. We have to be VICTORIOUS.. ALWAYS

This story was inspired by the Holy SPIRIT, it is purely fictional, any correlation to a real life story is purely coincidental. But, I want to say JESUS CARES, HE CARES BECAUSE HE FELT IT TOO. HE CARES BECAUSE HE CAN SEE THE PAIN, the pain of losing someone, the pain of not being able to hold or see that person or communicate with them.

I pray he will comfort us, he will see us through and help us to get through any pain in our hearts. I pray he will  pure his healing love in our hearts and help us to see the joy that comeS in the morning.

This was very emotional for me (I cried all through writing this, but I hope it inspires, encourages and uplifts you that there is hope.)

Ok.. back to the happy me.. lol. well I see u in few days in other post.

God is love, love yourself and on others too...

Note: Sometimes it is not that God does not heal, sometimes people in some serious states like Jonathan just want to go home, they just want to their part and go home.

HAPPY SMILES....