Hello People,
I hope everyone is doing awesomely great. I am sure we are all busy with Christmas duties and doing all the pressies, visiting the fam, going on all holls, rounding the semester, reviewing the plans etc. Loads to do, after all this is the last month of the year. I am going to say this CHRISTMAS will bring all of us one or more things we desire (AMEN).
I am grateful to my KING for helping me this far and giving me the grace to be alive in good wealth and health. I pray his love will continue to reign in our lives.
So am still yet to write about my epic story(but am working on well sort of). But today I want to talk about something entirely different. I am not sure if this is an encouraging post but its certainly a mind blowing one (I think).
Note: Pls be aware this post is very gory, IF YOU CANT HANDLE BRUTALITY (well at least I think that what it is), pls DO NOT READ FURTHER. IF you are a very shy person and cringy too (This post is not for you). However, if you are daring and comfortable with people dishing their minds I guess you can read further.
WARNING: LONG POST... (Mehn I have a lot to say ohh scary).
Ok, so back to the post and what I intend on discussing.
Communication: I find this topic very interesting and incredibly useful and I believe I do alot of this in every aspect of my life (what do you expect I am a marketer by profession, lol. besides that I am a very curious individual).
This aspect of communication is relating to relationships and marriage or the idea of settling down with the right partner.
P.S I am not an expert on anything (apart from talking and my passion marketing lol). I am just sharing some interesting stuff really!!!
I believe for anything to be a success in this life, communication has to occur whether it is in organisations, families, relationships, friendships etc. The need to be communicate and to be HONEST is crucial to me.
So why am I talking about communication because I believe it reveals alot of things about the individual and their intentions. It is important for someone like me to know about things because I like clarity and HONESTY. I always try to be honest by his grace because I genuinely believe it is the best policy.
This aspect of communication is however focusing on relationships. I am not expert on it like I said earlier but I sure do know how to ask a guy questions before I step into anything. I will give you five reasons why I love communicating and asking questions.
a) It gives me an idea of the type of person I am about to let into my life and world (i am a very dynamic being, lol, seriously I am). So I need to know the person shares the same or similar values as me.
b) I like to understand the mindset of the person (mindset are very important to me, will do a post on it sometime). The mindset of person reveals their inner self and if your mindset is messed up boi I need to know(so we can strategise i.e. deliverance lol).
c) I enjoy building trust with people and this mostly occur through communication (trust is good although you have to be sure not everyone can be trusted). But communication can be a base to deal with anything and tackle some issues.
d) I like feeling comfortable around people (if I do not feel comfortable around you, you will know, am incredibly EXPRESSIVE). Communicating gives me that opportunity to feel comfortable around a person in this case a guy, to be myself and just do my thing. (I am very confident, although am not easily fazed by things, I have boundaries).
e) I like to deepen my interests (because I have a very inquisitive nature, it is really DEEP). Communication helps me to keep the interest going, if the person cant talk mehn (nothing will happen). If you can talk but on a average that is good. (I do alot of talking but am beginning to learn how to listen twice as much now, it does not come naturally to me at all but God is helping me). To think that I once used to be a quiet shy and girl in the background kinda girl... well...
So those are my key five reasons and I believe they are more. But moving on, so yeah that why I like communicating.
Back to the main gist: I believe some relationships lack understanding because they never communicated or maybe it happened but it was too little or it lacked clarity etc. For me before I enter into anything, particularly relationships (that are supposed to be serious, be sure to go under some questions radar lol). Trust me I am not shy when it comes to asking some personal questions. (If I find myself mute or scared to ask questions or unsure to ask questions, then it means am not suppose to enter into any deal with such PERSON, It will never end well what I mean that is: I WILL HAVE BUCKET FULL OF REGRETS and I will REALLY DISAPPOINT THE PERSON I have been there so I know what am saying).
However, be aware that I study the situations before I pop some questions and in some instances I tend to watch the mood or the situations itself presents some questions to ask.
Ok. so the questions I usually ask a GUY am interested in and we are like talking deep here ohh (with the previous dude I was with, thinking he was the ONE, mehn I asked some deep questions and I needed to know what I was letting myself into).
Note: I do not plan my convo except if it is a DEBATE or bible study.
In no particular order, t goes like these.
I tend to ask about childhood like how he was like e.g. if he was terror, a nice dude, the one that everyone likes or hates. (I can remember my childhood and I seem to remember them the most when I am into a guy and I do not know why, well with the previous dude I remember them the most). Moving along, me talking about mine juggles the guy's memory to talk about his too.
It is important to know the type of child your potential dude is mehn, it puts a lot of things into perspective when you end up married to him and find out why your children are acting in a certain nature, you wont be shell shocked (Although, some children might have inherited from previous generations or plain weird like me lol etc.).
Having shared the ups and downs of childhood, I will talk about teen years. (Mine was spent in Nigeria/ abroad, and I spent most of my life in a boarding house so I have a lot of gist lol.... I like to particularly know the type of dude am getting with because his teenage years reveal so much about him i.e. was he a rebel, bad boy kind of person, or was he respectful, or a heartthrob etc. Anything that keeps the juice flowing mehn.
Moving on, so we do more talking on adult years like uni stuff, college, how he was like and maturity stage etc. This is the stage where some serious issues might begin to surface i.e. first time for everything hehehehhe...
I like talking about family like mom, dad, siblings, grand parents, uncles/aunties etc. It is important to understand the family culture and their mentality/upbringing. It says a lot about his perspectives on life. Knowing this also helps me to think about how he has been influenced and who has played a major role. It will reveal if he is more of an independent/decision maker or family dependent i.e. WHAT MUMMY THINKS OR WHAT DAD THINKS must be used because I do not have STRONG MIND OF MINE OWN(note: I am not saying I do not use what mummy thinks myself but I have developed my character too, to accommodate my views and the view of my mum and have a balance).
I also ask about illnesses, so what type of sickness is common in your family, financial status, professionals standards expectations, ideologies,systems etc. I need to know about things like these because it gives me a clearer view whether or not we can work or MOVE ON(Although, this is not always the case). Knowing a sickness/illness about someone family is important oh abeg I am not suffering for LOVE in the near future. As in whatever that needs binding and destroying/fasting should be happening way before marriage ohh... (Although some things might still occur, at least you know you were aware and God is too).
I guess I also discuss future plans i.e. where do you see yourself in 3, 5 and 10 years. If you cannot give an answer for 3 years mehn I sorry ohh. At this point, you do not have to everything sussed out ( I do not, well maybe a little bit but plans change) but an idea will be good. I need to know if he HAS A PURPOSE where I can fit in and help. After all, the long-term goal of marriage is to work in a partnership so if I have no part to play in the future what am I doing considering marriage with such person? FOCUS IS NEEDED. (But then again, each cases are different).
The other things I talk about now are DEEP stuff (as in this is when things are serious and marriage is becoming a possibility at this point).
Spirituality
Why do you believe in GOD (I need to know for sanity reasons, people can chat gibberish at this stage). Although, I would have sensed his spiritual maturity as we communicate obviously and the things he says and how he says them can reveal a number of spiritual growth. (In my previous relationship, we started out on godly teachings and the bible studying so I knew he was quite grounded in the LORD well so it seemed sha). Beware people can still FAKE loving JESUS.......Jesus said it beware of (false prophets, in this case people that are clothed in sheeps' clothing and inside are ravenous wolves. Matt 7:15.(God will open our eyes AMEN).
I also need to why/how he gave his your life to CHRIST, what convicted him, how his life has changed since then or the changes he has noticed etc. Why he chose not do things of the past i.e. fornication, lying, stealing etc if he was before. (Pls do not tell me the bible says we should not fornicate, chai I will just think ok...... so he does not have a mind of his own. I would much prefer if he has his own views and backs it up with the bible. For instance, saying that the times he engaged with things he did at the time was because he did not consider them wrong or unlawful would be better than just saying what I want to hear, which isn't what I want to hear because I like honesty but then again if that is the case that the "bible says" are his only reasons then I would jam my hype ... Besides, do you know the amount of things God said and we do not acknowledge or we do and we do not know why we are doing it (hence when temptations comes instead of us to run, we will be binding and destroying and in that time, the devil has made his way with you and you are left confessing something that could been easily avoided by RUNNING away in the first instance). Obviously, he would ask me my views on why I obey God will (My view: my mindset is set in such a way that I live my life with accountability. Doing the things I am convicted are wrong will bring me nothing BUT SADNESS, GUILT, condemnation, I know this because I have been there. I love my KING and I know he is proud of me and I like to keep that way by his grace). Moving along.
More conversations about JESUS, growth/life, death etc.
Finances
I do not need him to be a billionaire even though he might be (i am not money hungry or starved). But I need to know the areas of financial success he is thinking of or interested in. E.g. investments, shares etc. How he spends and what he spends them on (i am not materialistic actually I think I might be to an extent, but am not an extremist like everything is a MUST GET due to peer pressure or mental pressure abeg ohh). Also I need to know if he owes any debts i.e. loans, education, colleges, etc. I need to be aware if my life savings will never be enjoyed lol. On a serious note, it makes a sense so I can understand if he is financially independent and he can handle budgets very well. I am budget conscious individual but I do spend. I spend prudently and it means alot to me that savings is considered and nothing is squandered/lacks accountability.
Health
I need to know his blood group, blood type, birth stories i.e. was the delivery smooth or complicated i.e. miracle baby (I like miracle i.e. premature baby with a testimony). I need to know he CAN STAND and completed in all areas lol(On a serious note, I need to know what am dealing with here)..... Also will ask about HIV/AIDS, STD, basically dig up his health manual and run me through (I am not JOKING lol).
I need to know if he is the type of individual that lets themselves go or actually work on their weight. I wont say I am a health freak myself but I need to know that we can work as a team in terms of keeping each other in check. I cant do overweight in any shape (I do not think its fair that one has to run out of breath every time one does a little bit of labour and being around watching as one pants for air like a starved HORSE is not a pleasing site, besides being overweight affects alot of other things too.). Although, there are instances people will put on weight its cool I guess I can deal with that but he has to be health conscious. Besides, if am gonna be a whale by the time am preggie I need to be motivated to shift some pounds and if he is not health conscious how will he help me to feel SEXY again.(Note, I do not think that being overweight means you are not sexy but in my aspect I refuse to allow my body to suffer excess weight and not wear clothes that I want to wear which complements my shape because I have to make do with anything or I have to search life and back to find something I am comfortable with. I cannot stand the stress besides, I can easily watch my weight from the beginning what with the person's help (after all marriage is a partnership).
Mental
This is very important to me in fact it is key. The mental state of the person is essential to the development of the relationship. If his mental state lacks behind mine I will not conform/ compromise I cannot teach people how to have manners at this stage of their lives or how to treat a lady or how to talk or how to chew, or how to address situations or how to deal with a tantrums or how to understand people feelings and be considerate etc. It is too much stress for me because it means I am now your mummy abi, I will feed you, clothe you, constantly correct you and when we get married I will find myself taking care of a BIG CHILD(CHAI).
One's mental state determines the level of maturity one will exhibit in situations and if I know am gonna end up doing the BULK of the work. Not fair on me, it will put a strain on life and goals and I will end up becoming bitter and resentful because I have not developed and I have not improved and am still stagnant with my mental state deteriorating (I REFUSE TO DO THAT to myself). I need to be sure I will grow and this will already happen from the way we communicate. For instance in my previous relationship, he was very apologetic like he would always apologise for something that he did wrong or when he senses am upset. That increased my level of humility. Also the correction/rebuke in a loving way helped me to be more considerate and thoughtful when rebuking others. He would write in full sentences when texting (that infleunced me to stop writing in slangs). He would eat at the table with the fam(that infleunced me to eat at the table with my fam, family time is important). Little things and big things like that counts and I need to feel the changes am adopting are making me better not WORSE.
I will have to continue in the next post.
Obviously all the questions will occur over a period of time i.e. during the course of the friendship/relationship/courtship even marriage (if you hit anyone with these question on the SPOT, THEY WILL KNOW YOU ARE MAD lol or think you need medical HELP asap)....
I apologise if its does sound like a RANT it was not my intention.
As you can tell I have alot to write about. And NO this is not a textbook or a manual (even though, it seems like it) but it is essential to relevant ask questions better to be safe that SORRY.
God is love, love yourself and on others too.
Feel free to leave comments whether good, bad or ugly (its your opinion and its respected well in some cases it will be challenged lol).
